UnNews:Zamfir reclaims limelight after horrific accident
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Zamfir reclaims limelight after horrific accident
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, July 31, 2015, 15:53:UTC)(
16 August 2006
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CALGARY, Sweden -- Renowned master of the pan flute Gheorghe Zamfir, horribly disfigured in a street luge accident last month, announced his ambition to once again play Symphony Hall in Boston. Left armless, but with one good eye, the flotist of questionable ethnicity made billions of dollars by means of a Ponzi scheme, and used the proceeds to fund his passion for annoying audiences with his solo renditions of songs no one cares about. By spreading cash around the various Mafia families of New York, he avoided prosecution on racketeering charges, fled to Finland, and filed for citizenship under the "Country Of Origin Is Hostile Towards Lesbians Act" of 1965.
It was in balmy Helsinki where Zamfir caught the street luge bug. He took up with some unsavory types, mostly Russians, and got the Finns to sponsor him for the "World Street Luge And Suicide Championship" in Brussels, in 1989. The next 17 years were a hellish romp through opium dens, absinthe bars, and severe alcoholism, culminating in his spectacular accident luging with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
In the months leading up to the tragedy, Zamfir had been drinking daily with Vlad Tepes, a Romanian maker of unusual musical instruments. His legendary flatulence, readily apparent even to the deaf Tepes, inspired him to research until he uncovered the Binaural Butt Kazoo, invented for King Gustav the Flatulent of Greater Lipid Locks on the anniversary of his leveling of an opponents army with only the arms of his farts.
After months of practice, the Master seeks once again to intimidate his throngs of fans, this time with his rectal virtuosity. Subsisting on a diet of chili and raisins, Zamfir feels that he is ready to take to the stage at the Grand Ole Opry in Tennessee. Tickets are available through UnNews outlets worldwide.
- August Duluth "Zamfir, Master of the Binaural Butt Kazoo: Fact or Lie?". Arkham Split-Level, August 16, 2006