UnNews:Yuli tide cheer

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29 October 2017

Nazis marching

Thousands marched in Houston to protest Astro Yuli Gurriel’s 5-day suspension after an inconsequential gesture in game 3 of the World Series.

Cooperstown, New York -- In Game 3 of the World Series, Yuli Gurriel of the Houston Astros made The Cuban Sign of The Gook after hitting a home run off Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Yu Darvish, who is half-Japanese and half-Iranian. He also added the comment "chinito", a slur which translates to "little Chinese boy". Gurriel said he was aware that "chinito" is regarded as a slur among the Japanese. "In Cuba and in various places, you don’t say Japanese, you call all Asians 'chinitos,' " Gurriel said. "But I was in Japan and I know they are offended by that."[1]

Major League Baseball has quickly decided to severely punish this racist act. Gurriel will not play in five games next season rather than being suspended during the World Series where the incident occurred, viewed by an international audience of millions. In light of the incident only being just insulting an Asian, the games lost next year can be Little League games he might have attended otherwise or tapes of games he might have watched. The first baseman will lose the equivalent of a normal working person's cost of parking for 3 days. Jesus wept.

Meanwhile, news crews searched for and found plenty of apologists under bushes and in homeless shelters. Reinhard Heydrich noted that a little fun is always needed in a short series. R.G. Bunker noted, "The Iranians had it coming after bombing Pearl Harbor." Maria Lopez y Vega, a Cuban-American living in Los Angeles’s Koreatown, simply said, "So what?" She quickly returned to serving her visitors drinks, an honor guard of the local Hispanic Normandy Ave Crips.

10,000 marchers in Houston protested the sanction, deeming it "unfair and candy-ass". Kevin K. Klark, president of the Texas chapter of a large unnamed patriotic organization, noted, "We like straight-talking folks who shoot from the hip. He’s a credit to his race, for sure. I almost want to make him an honorary White. I did say almost." Gurriel was invited to throw out the first torch in the annual burning of Vietnamese homes along the Gulf Coast.

Yuli Gurriel

Yuli Gurriel mocks a Dodger fan's makeup after hitting a home run and an ignorable minority is offended. True blue White America pretends to see nothing while trying not to laugh.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) has Koreatown under 24-hour lockdown with armored vehicle patrols and helicopter gunships overhead. "If we have to destroy Koreatown in order to save, we will," stated spokesperson Lt. Bill Calley. Trouble had already begun when two 80-year-old grandmothers were shot and killed by police while carrying loaded potatoes back from a local BJ’s Restaurant. "If old ladies are that dangerous, just think what the kids can do." With all the overtime being used, LAPD can once again hunker down in their stations if the Dodgers win the Series when South Central Los Angeles is set alight as it has been before.[2] Calley added, "Firemen don’t need our help. We’d just get in the way of them patching their cut hoses and chasing down their stolen equipment."

The Texas legislature, seldom united on anything, unanimously commended the player for his competitive spirit. Gurriel has now been proposed as the next candidate to run for the House seat in the 27th District. "The boy is just one or two anti-gay slurs away from being considered for governor, bless his greasy little heart." said "Bobby" "Bob" "Robbie" "Rob" Morrow (R-Austin).

The Astro first baseman has apologized for the gesture, whispered while standing in a closet. "Why all the fucking chatos are getting mad, I don’t know. When I played in Japan, nothing." While some reports note that his record in Japan was 14 arrests with 6 convictions, other have noted that a lonely Gurriel never left his mansion, never interacted with any Japanese people, never ate Japanese food. His only regular friends were his steroids supplier, shabu (meth) dealer and Harvey Weinstein who would fly over with loads of frozen steaks and visit regularly. "Man, I loved to play grabass with that guy. He was really fast."

The photo of the event will be accorded a place of honor in Cooperstown’s Baseball Hall of Fame, right next to the painting of Ty Cobb strangling a black woman on the field.[3]

Pitcher Yu Darvish, the object of the slurs and the subject of death threats since, noted "There’s not much I can do. I just wish he hadn’t run up in the stands after his homer and shit in my mother’s lap and pissed all over my grandma. I hope I get to see them before I’m deported in November." It is expected that he will be cut in half and each will be sent back where it came from.

Sociologist O. Fay Onkée stated, "This is a normal mistake for true blue Americans like Yuli, easily excused. Darvish, like all Asians, was just mistaken for an American Indian and was treated accordingly. Gurriel just happened to use the wrong slurs by mistake that were posted in the Astros dugout."

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edit Footnotes

  1. Which is why he said it. Genuine unedited comments.
  2. Also true dat. Look it up.
  3. "You could look it up" – Casey Stengel.
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