UnNews:Your gut: creeped out feeling on the rise
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Your gut: creeped out feeling on the rise
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 14:05:UTC)(
6 June 2008
"Basically, the guts are in an uproar at the moment," said your left lung. "Between work worries, and the fact that sexually attractive person hasn't called back, and the state of the economy, the guts are at about 8.7 on the jitters scale.
"Basically, your entire gastric system from esophagus to rectal sphincter is being put under tremendous strain by stress." said leading gastroenterologist Dr. Andrea Zbink. "This probably began last Thursday, when you found that bill that had fallen behind your desk, and realised that you were a month behind on credit card payments. Added to this is your boss' sudden unwillingness to look you in the eye, your mother's awful cough which she says is nothing and the fact that the eyes on that painting just fucking moved... well, you can see that you are so stressed out that you probably shouldn't look behind you."
Your left leg is equally critical. " There are many questions that remain unanswered," it said, "Like is that spot on nose a freckle or a melanoma? Why does our accountant keep leaving urgent messages on our machine? Why is head not looking where it is going? And why is arm pointing the flashlight in the wrong way?"
Meanwhile, your heart declined to comment. "I'm just not in this."