UnNews:Your grandma might be Al-Qaeda
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Your grandma might be Al-Qaeda
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 08:32:UTC)(
20 June 2007
BETHEL, Minnesota, US of A - She has always been so sweet; a charming, harmless dispenser of cookies, anecdotes, and birthday cards filled with wrinkly ten-dollar bills. But lately, the changes are noticeable; she's smoking in the bathtub (often), and conversing with the houseplants about the cost of health insurance. You notice a few brochures for a fundamentalist Islamic speaker at the local rec center/bingo hall and disregard them as harmless junk.
"I never thought something like this would EVER happen to me!" exclaims little Johnny Krall, 8, of Bethel. "My grandma's an Al-Qaeda, and I'm on TV and everything!" He is, of course, still excited by the news that sent shock waves through the small Minnesota community (who's population is so small that even when livestock are counted as people, census figures still only total a mere 500 residents). Citizens of the town were saddened and hurt when their lovable off-kilter sweetheart Joanna Krall, 75, was exposed as a suspect with links to a wide-scale terror plot recently thwarted in Kentuckistan.
"We all knew she was a bit, well.... she was known to bathe in the fountain outside city hall from time to time.. laughs.. but seriously, we never thought it would come to something like THIS! This is like, pretty bad man!" claims disheartened local Chief of Police Terrance Longburough. According to reports, his office had been working closely with the FBI and CNBC in order to apprehend the potentially dangerous granny.
The arrest of Joanna "Mumulla Abdula" Krall sent internet political bloggers into a whirlwind frenzy barely hours after her takedown. Rumors of other grandmothers possibly becoming ensnared in the clutches of Islamic fundamentalism are becoming hot topics on message boards across the globe.FBI sources close to Uncyclopedia have made no official comment at this time, but did promise that "...we will make sure this country is safe from all threats of terrorist activities; if grandma wants to play in the big leagues of international terror, she's gunna have to rumble with the big dogs. RUFF!!" UnNews is working on deciphering this possibly-encrypted message.
Krall has been under FBI surveillance for over a year after posting pro-Islamic messages on the forums of BettyCrocker.com. Her topic entitled "Fat-Free Cyanide Bundt Cake (Perfect for your Jew Friends!)" has been viewed over 100,000 times. During the raid on her small cottage-like home, numerous bombs shaped as cupcakes, Anti-Semitic propaganda and a needlepoint portrait of Muhammad were discovered. "I really can't understand it" claims one town resident. "...she went to church every Sunday! -- Although, the last couple of times, she was stopped at the door for carrying a gasoline container and matches."
The number of grandmothers on the FBI's terror suspects list is currently undisclosed. Still, the issue concerns many political commentators. To quote one online poster: "My grandmother bought me a Cat Stevens album for my birthday for some reason.. ya think they might come and take her away?"
Mumulla Abdula Krall is currently awaiting trial.