UnNews:Your family died
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Your family died
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 15:11:UTC)(
20 June 2008
Your Quaint, Middle-Class Home - Dude, I hate having to be the one to tell you this, but your entire family was killed. I didn't know how to tell you, so I wrote an article on a humor wiki about it. What a shame that I didn't have the courage to tell you face to face, but I hope you find this Uncyclopedia article before you get home. Otherwise, things could get a little awkward. Before you get all emotional, let me tell you how it happened, and why you shouldn't press charges. Listen to me, okay? Stop crying like a girl, and let me talk.
Everything has to come to an end sometime. Remember when I accidentally killed your gopher? Well, this is sorta like that, except that, instead of a gopher, it was your entire family.
Oh man, I am so, so sorry. See? Don't you feel better now that I apologized?
I hope you weren't too attached to them. They were, according to local sources, being whiny little bitches before they were executed. It's not your fault; your long family history of playing the victim is likely genetic. What could you possibly do? Don't you worry though; I'm still here to help you through this.
It's hard to explain why your family died. All I know is that somebody set them on fire one by one and threw them out a twelve story window. Details are sketchy as to the culprit, but they have anonymously told my sources that he... OR SHE... is very, very sorry. It's just like that time when I accidentally killed your pet ferret. You cried for a while, but you got over it, didn't you? Please tell me you got over it.
Oh, and, uh, there may have been a little corpse mutilation. I don't want you to freak out, but somebody started eating their faces. Also, just throwing it out there, they might have possibly had crazy awesome sex with your beautiful 17 year old sister before, and maybe a little after, igniting her. I just wanted to tell you as directly as possible via this humor wiki, before you started choking up and sobbing again. How would you feel about a cup of ice cream? I know how you love those sprinkles!
I'm sure that I could have told you in a thousand different ways. I almost considered making a banner ad about it. "Hey Joe: Don't freak out but your family died." It would have been epic. I also could have sent emails all over the internet hoping to get your inbox somehow, but that felt too personal. I definitely didn't want to be near you when you finally broke down into the waterworks. Telling you via a humor wiki just felt... right.
I will stand by you nearly one-hundred percent in your time of trouble, okay? No matter what the neighbors think, or what the cops tell you, I am your friend. And I definitely had no part in brutally murdering the people you love. Or your dog Muffin. And she didn't taste delicious.