UnNews:Your Mom is Good in Bed
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Your Mom is Good in Bed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 09:54:UTC)(
1 July 2008
Your Mom's House - Hey, you! Guess what? Have you ever asked your parents how you were made? No? Well they had sex and you mom got pregnent because your dad let his load go inside of her instead of outside. Yeah, you could say thanks to your dad next time. But actually, I'm your dad. Hey, son, or daughter, or whatever you are. I just remember that time you knocked over my beer - you'll never be forgiven for that. Still, I have something to tell you.
YOUR MOM IS GOOD IN BED. Yeah, you know it, you sick Mutha Fucka. Still, She was great in bed when we were making you. Too bad we had a kid that time because you're a total disappointment of a kid. I wish we had a smart, handsome, charasmatic kid instead of some stupid, unathletic, let-down, computer geek whose whiter than goddamn paper! Still, she knows her way around when it comes to sex. We had like twenty different pisitions.
You might be wondering why I'm not telling you face to face. Well, remember when you were three and I said I had to leave for a while? That's called a divorce, you suck-up. Anyway, I had to leave and your stupid-ass mom got to keep you. Fucker. Well, I'm glad she did because the only thing you're good for is making fun of and making me waste money on food you don't even eat.
Anyway, the only thing your mom was good for was being a good fuck. Damn, she was good that night. She was probably the 4th best fuck I've ever had. You should feel proud, kid, that yuor mom was one of my favorite fucks. But she was 3rd to last least favorite marraige. Do you know how many marraiges I've been through? 12, and I've also had 36 different girls fuck me before. And one of them was your mom. She was a lucky son of a bitch, she's one of the 36 girls in America to get My cock. Are you a girl? If you are, the next time I see you your virginity's gone. If you're a guy well, it'll still be gone. But I'm not gay. I wouldn't encourage that sort of behavior to one of my 24 children. What's your name? Susan, or Bil or somehting? Whatever it is, your are my least favorite kid.
Still, Your Mom ranks in my top five, and that isn't a bad thing. I still hate her and she can die and burn in hell, and the same goes to you. Hey, if your really my kid, do you know how old I am? I bet you don't. You just forget your nice, good ol' padre. And go get a mediocre education with like a 0.3 GPA or some shit that makes you dumb and not to be proud of. How come all of my goddamn kids are like that? Stupid and Homosexual? Whatever. Hopefully you just grow up to be some hobo or some other embarrassing shit. And tell your mom that she sucks in bed. Tell me if she cries or not.