UnNews:You must have us confused with dog shit

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This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."


23 June 2010

Last resort 56

Write this article or the dog gets it.


5tar Warz: The Pr0ning.

UNNEWS NEWSROOM, the Internet -- Walking down the hall last week, armed with a fresh cup of coffee, 4 grams of bud and a steaming plate of pasta in tomato-Alfredo sauce, I overheard one of my fellow editors make a comparison of UnNews to some obscure publication called "An Onion". This comment was the mustard seed that grew into the apocryphal retard bush, in the desert of Sinai, with Moses and all that.

I then promptly forgot about the whole thing. I took my lunch on the UnNews veranda and smoking section in the sub-basement. The pasta was properly cooked, the sauce magnificent, and the chef noted for a compliment later. Then back to my desk to hammer out some editing tasks. Within minutes I became acutely aware of a need for medicinal marijuana, and so, sparked one up.

Flash forward in time and space...

Then, this morning, I get a message from an unnamed staff member, accusing the staff turtle of being caught up in some UnNews hi-jinx, a plot of sorts, a kind of funny business that implies the existence of a Cabal, by saying:

"Now a turtle in UnFunnies refers to UnNews being called "the UnOnion," which a Google search shows no one other than you is doing. And then I take it there is an article in the HowTo space about how to be you. Have you run out of interesting topics other than yourself? "

I have been Chief Janitorial Editor of UnNews since the title was implemented, so trends at our humble media outlet come to my attention. Repeating trends, even more so. In fact, UnNews has experienced an unprecedented growth spurt lately, and there's trending out the ass.

One of these trends is picking on the turtle. I'm telling you, I won't have it any more! Next one who picks on turtle is fired! Another trend (not so much a trend, perhaps, as a thing which happened a couple times, maybe) has been comparing UnNews and "An Onion". Some douche even wanted to rename UnNews to The UnOnion. Can you believe it?

Fuck that! We are not the fucking Onion! We are better than that. Fuck that.

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