UnNews:You Have Leukemia

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

1 August 2008


Some lonely Irish pub - Hey! Alex! is that you? Wow! I haven't seen you since that huge orgy a few weeks ago. Yeah, that was fun. So how's the life going? Good, good. Back from a vacation? Where To? South Texas. That must have been real fun. I'll bet. Oh, my life? Just the same. You know, patient here, patient there, lots of money. Yeah, life is pretty good as a doctor. And what do you do? professional skiing? Wow, that must be a blast.

Speaking of doctors and sickness and stuff, have you, just out of curiosity, experienced bone and joint pain, maybe some swollen lymph nodes in your neck or armpit? Oh, no reason. Just wondering. So, what were you saying about Texas? Rednecks and cowboys. Fun. Hey, how about dinner at my place? Alright, follow me. Yeah, how's the wife? Oh. I'm sorry man. I didn't know that camels spit venom. Woah. I'm sorry.

Now then, how about some Soup? I love the alphabet soup. It just has the right taste. And it's fun to spell things out.
Badnewssoup

I'm sorry man, I'm sorry!

Yeah. my wife ditched me. She was a whore anyway, so what the heck. And by the way, have you seemingly experienced any symptoms of Leukemia by any chance? Why? I'm sorry man, but you have Leukemia.

I didn't know how to tell you! When you were away on vacation I wanted to come up with a different way of telling you that wouldn't be so depressing. I tried to reach your wife, but apparently she is dead. Then I tried your parents. They're dead too? Holy shit, man, I'm really sorry. You must feel like killing yourself. You have Leukemia, your family is dying... Oh, man. I'm sorry.

Well, I did all I could to find out the results were wrong, but they weren't. And no, this isn't a joke. Man, I'm truly, really super sorry. There is nothing I can do. But maybe we can do something fun, like the bucket list or something. Speaking of which, you only have three weeks to live. If you're a virgin, you better get laid quick. I know it sucks, but that's the way life is.

Dude, stop crying! There is a lot you can do with your life. Take for example, have sex with a monkey, or get a pet ferret. I mean, it isn't so bad now. You can spend all of your money on anything you want. Even snow. You can go to Dubai to the Palm islands or go to Japan or something. You're broke? Shit, man. Your life really sucks.

Well, you can do all of the really dangerous ski routes now. That would be some real fun. In fact, I'll go with you. How does that sound? Dude, seriously. The room is flooding from your tears. Stop crying. But still, how does a ski rip to the Alps sound? Good huh? You lost your passport. When did you do that? Yesteryear. Fine. well, if you need any help or have any questions, you can call me.

No, there isn't anything to cure it. You will die in three weeks, whether you like it or not. Dude! Stop crying! You're making it look like I'm peeing my pants. You'll ruin my ego. Now, I have to go now. You should really do something with your life. Now then, you can give me a call if you need to know anything. Keep it going dude. Live your life to the fullest.

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