UnNews:You Are in My Way
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You Are in My Way
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 19:16:UTC)(
18 August 2008
The Place Where You Are Standing - Ahem. Uh, excuse me, sir. I have something to tell you. You're busy? Busy doing what? Talking to your friends. Oh. Well, um...what is your name? Say that again? <insert name here>? Oh, well then, <insert name here>, I have something to tell you. I don't care if you are telling your friends the story about the time you noticed your first chest hair. I really don't. But there is one thing that I do care about. I just want to tell you something. Well, uh...um...you're in my way.
Listen, sir, I don't want to start a fight here. You see, all I need you to do, really, is kind of get, well, out of the way. Is that so hard to ask? I mean, really, all you need to do is take a step that way, and we will all be good. No harm done, you can tell your story about being gay or whatever, and I can keep going on to where the world will take me next. It's simple, really. You just take a few steps that way, and I can keep going. That's all you need to do. Why don't I move? Well, that's a long story. You've got a lot of time? Oh god. Well then, to make a long story short, I have to keep going in this direction. No other direction. I have somewhere far North to be. One step the other way and I'm dead.
You see, I just can't go around. I am on a mission and I have to go this direction, no matter what. I'm sorry, but's that the way it is. I'll be dead if I go around. My, sir, you don't seem like a kind fellow. And god, no, you wouldn't seem kind if I had a broken nose. What would make you seem kind? Oh, moving to the side, of course. Ok, ok! Let's reach an agreement here. I know you obviously don't want to move, but I surely don't know why, and I know that I need to keep going in this direction. What could we do? I could climb over you! No, if that was caught on film we would look silly. No, I will not go around!
Ok, I just can't stand it anymore! I'm sorry sir, I really am, but you have got to move. Whether it be now, 13 minutes from now, or when you are 85, you need to move. Goodness, sir! You see, if you attempt to stand here until you are 85, you will die first. So I really suggest that you move the fat ass of you- uh, I mean that body chiseled to perfection. Hehe...
No, sir! I didn't call you fat! I'm just saying that well...uh...if you only move one step over, you will still be in my way! No, that isn't an insult! In fact, I think you are rather slim. Yes, you do look quite...fit. That's the word! Fit! I like that. Just like that walrus I saw at the zoo. Nice and... fit. Well, then, I think it's about time that you move, sir. It has been, say, 3 minutes? Not long. But you see, I have a deadline to make. Yes, I have to be at the North Pole by Thursday, and it is currently Monday. I've got an important meeting with Santa Claus. We have matters to discuss regarding my certain items on my sons wish list. So I have a few days to cover several thousand miles, and I would really appreciate it if you got out of my way.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
OK, since you are as stubborn as an ass, I'll make a deal with you. I'll give you two dollars for a drink, you get out of the way. Does that sound fair? A drink is five dollars, you say? Drat. Well, you could go to McDonald's and get something from the Dollar Menu! That would be excellent. You don't like McDonald's, you say? Well, go to the ninety-nine cent store! I'm positive they will have something great for you there. And the bonus: You can get two of whatever, because you have two dollars. How does that sound? Good? Well, here is your two dollars. Now you can get out of my way. And take your friends with you. Nice doing business with you sir!
What a hassle. People that stubborn should get surgery and become a donkey. Well, I better get going.
Oh, goodness. It's a wall.