|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
7 August 2012
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg claims everyone needs to have a social media account with his company to avoid branding as a potential mass murderer. This follows research by a German magazine that revealed recent alleged mass killings involving James 'The Joker' Holmes in the Movie Theater Massacre and Anders Brevik's bomb and shooting attack in Norway had both failed to sign up with Facebook. Since neither had any friends or interests except weird ones, the research done by Der Taggspiegel goes on to claim their failure to register for a Facebook account would have alerted authorities that these were dangerous psychopaths. Now they say governments and businesses world wide will now check everyone who has failed to sign up to Facebook or other mainstream websites.
Speaking to journalists with his odd voice and strange eyes, Mark Zuckerberg expressed keen interest in the research and says it is everyone's duty to sign up to Facebook.
This research confirms my suspicion that people who don't have Facebook accounts are all killers-in-waiting. What have they got to hide? What's wrong with putting up all your social information, photos of your family and a cute pooch?? I think everyone has the right to know everything about everybody else. Just think that if Facebook had been around earlier, my company could have prevented previous mass killings. The Columbine Killings, 9/11, the Vietnam War. And if Adolf Hitler had made an account and listed his hobbies as 'Anti-Semitism' or Joseph Stalin 'Ice picks', then wouldn't the world have been a better place if these men had been killed by a drone stike? I think it could be summed up with a sensible quote George W Bush once said while sober: "Either you're with us, or you're with the herborists."
The US Federal government is fully behind Zuckerberg's logic and wants the 'Facebook test' to be applied to all America citizens and people visiting from outside. They suggest 'No FB Profile, No entry' would be a useful tool to assess future terrorists. When asked about people like the Amish who have rejected all recent technology, a spokesman claimed that 'we have all them profiled already for just such an emergency'.