UnNews:You've got a little something on your face
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You've got a little something on your face
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, January 19, 2017, 01:43:UTC)(
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WHERE EVER IT IS THAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW -- Friends, family and coworkers have all noticed that you have a little something on your face. While most are too polite to say anything to you directly, they are crass enough to talk to each other about it once you leave the room. A select few are willing to be interviewed, thus allowing the entire world to read about your embarrassing lunch-based gaffe.
"I feel kind of bad for you, what with everybody laughing at you behind your back and all. We...I mean 'they'...have rechristened you 'foodface'." said your friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. "It's been there for a while. I can't stop staring at it. I think it's a small chunk of beef, but most everyone else seems to think that it's a piece of a vegetable of some kind. We've got a betting pool going. I took most of the meat-type squares, like hamburger, steak, sausage and the like."
The spot of food, insiders theorize, became attached to your face when you ate a meal, or perhaps a snack between meals. A few even believe that the mote got stuck right there when you paused during a meal for a mid-meal snack.
"Going by how often you check yourself out in a mirror, we were sure that you would have noticed it by now." said another source, known only as Larry W. "The last time we were in the same room together I kept making that 'You've got something stuck to your face' motion, but...nothing. You just stared back at me with a dopey and confused look on your face."
Off the record, Larry W admitted that he thinks that you aren't all that smart, or as he put it "...he's a few somethings short of a something else...". Larry W also apologized for his lack of skill at spontaneously coming up with a suitable something and his poor choice of a something else. In short, Mister W is completely incompetent at creating analogies. Needless to say, he carries the burden of a room-temperature IQ.
"Hey! Let's not gloss over this 'you've-got-food-on-your-face' thing." Larry W interrupted.
Most people hope that someone will eventually tell you that there is food on your face, as it is proving to be detrimental to conversation. Virtually all of the people with whom you have chatted have spent the entire conversation trying to identify exactly what kind of food it is.
"It's corn. Sweet corn, actually." admitted another anonymous source. Going by the code name 'Mom', she says that it's sweet corn, or Zea mays var. rugosa, because that is what she served for dinner last night. "The whole family thought it was 'nummy'."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|