UnNews:You're On Fire
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You're On Fire
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 23, 2017, 20:29:UTC)(
23 July 2008
LAS VEGAS, Nevada: Good day to you, sir. Now, I don't wish to be rude or overstep my boundaries, but were you aware that you are on fire?
You weren't, then?
Very well. I feel it is my duty as a good person and civilian to inform you that you are, indeed, currently on fire.
Should you require more proof than simply my word, I suggest you observe the strange colorings in the light that surrounds your arms and legs. You may also notice your clothes blackening: keep that in mind, as it's important for later. First, a little scientific background on fire.
Fire is a chemical reaction from heat, fuel, and oxygen. The heat must have come from something earlier, and you'll notice that we're quite clearly surrounded by oxygen. The reaction destroys the fuel and oxygen to produce heat and light. Your clothes are currently the fuel, and you may feel some intense heat, naturally stemming from the reaction, as I've explained so simply for you. You may also feel a burning sensation, called "burning". This is a natural consequence of the intense heat. All of these signs point quite clearly to the indication that you are, indeed, on fire, or at least experiencing a bizarre chemical reaction. Either one of these things is likely to kill or at least injure you.
As an expert on telling people when they're on fire, I must also suggest to you that you seek medical attention or at least find some way to put the fire out. Water is a standard way to douse the fire, as well as with an extinguisher. Throwing your burning clothes off could at least stop your body from becoming seared any more, or you could stop, drop and roll. You remember all of those elementary school assemblies about when you're on fire. Well, you should probably recall all that advice, and utilize it right around now.
Medical assistance may be able to repair your body should the fire begin to use your skin and body as the fuel, and it is highly suggested that after you finish dousing the fire with one of the methods that I have previously recommended, you call 911. Sometimes, fire can leave you scarred for the rest of your life. Surely, you wouldn't want that, would you? It can deeply damage your appearance if something is not done about it. Truthfully, left unattended, your being on fire could actually kill you. You can't possibly want to leave your family miserable, just because of your failure to notice the engulfing heat that surrounds you. I hope that you will take my vital advice about this fire to heart, as I only wish for your well-being as another human on this planet.
Come, now. If you continue to ignoring my advice, as I have gently indicated before, will cause your eyes and flesh to slowly boil, which I imagine probably hurts quite a bit. Should you still claim that I am making a mistake by insisting that you are on fire, I will be forced to acquiesce, though I can't honestly say that it's the best of ideas. Certainly, seeing you turn into a large pile of ash would not be the most pleasant experience for anyone. Should you not care about yourself, you should at least consider the feelings of passer-bys who will be forced to see your pitiful and painful transformation into a blackened corpse.
You still insist that you aren't on fire? You are not suffering excruciating pain as your skin and nerves are destroyed by this dangerous chemical reaction?
Well, I suppose you know best. It is quite possible that I was mistaken, and I apologize in full for wasting your time with my worthless ramblings, skylarkings, going-ons, etcetera. Your intelligence surely knows no bounds, and I'm sure your confidence that you are not on fire is a reasonable one. I believe you know precisely what you are doing, and that you always have. Have a pleasant, non-firey evening.