UnNews:Yao Ming unexpectedly fathers midget
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Yao Ming unexpectedly fathers midget
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 29, 2015, 01:04:UTC)(
2 December 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BEIJING, China (AP) -- Houston Rockets player and suspected mountain giant Yao Ming revealed at a press conference Friday that he is the biological father of 10 year old midget Yao Xiao Ren. Because Yao Ming stands at 7-foot-6, the unexpected revelation has caused a stir among fans and geneticists alike.
According to Yao's press conference statement, young Xiao Ren is the product of a one-night stand Yao had as a teenager. While the mother's name has been withheld to protect her privacy, rumors point toward hexagenarian Hong Kong actress Cheng Pei Pei. The truth came to light after three years of legal wrangling, which concluded last month with a court-mandated paternity test. The multiple delays and apparent sloth among court members provides an usual glimpse at the inner workings of Chinese culture.
Cultural expert Micheal Bordsen explains, "For a man of Yao Ming's stature to father a midget shames not just him but also seven generations of his ancestors. Indeed, for a country in which saving face is so important, to have the birth of such a small and unproductive person publicized could be seen as shameful for the entire nation."
Genetic researchers are fascinated for different reasons. "At least this proves that Yao Ming is actually human. We really had our doubts about that one."
For years scientists have closely monitored Yao Ming while believing him to be some sort of extraordinarily tall offshoot of the human family tree. Some even suspected Yao to be the last survivor of a species of Hyperborean Colossus.
Xiao Ren himself says he wants to be a famous basketball player when he grows up, just like his father.
Thus far Yao Ming himself has only addressed the subject once. "For the last time, I'm not a giant, and that boy had better learn to shoot."