UnNews:Yanukovych forced to step down
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
25 February 2014
NEW YORK -- Piers Yanukovych abdicated today from his position as a talk show host on the American state-funded news broadcast service CNN, amid violence and rioting that has occured since December. Renowned for his hatred of the American people, their way of life, their customs, and their preoccupation that the car have enough gas to reach the nearest McDonald's drive-up window, Yanukovych hosted a talk show program for three years, pointing out these "issues about America" to Americans, in a posh English accent while wearing a crown and demanding new taxes (especially for tea).
Americans accused him of being in league with the authoritarian dictators they usually cite: "Hitler", "Stalin", "Mao" and occasionally "George III." One rioter, camped outside CNN headquarters for two weeks, said "He has tried to get us to link ties with Russia and has mocked us for being who we are. I am so glad he and his brainwashing is finally gone. Now we can replace it with democracy." A knife-wielding African American protestor gestured at the crowds and commented, "That is the longest line I seen for KFC in a long time!"
Piers Yanukovych had forced President Barack Obama to use troops to suppress the protestors, claiming that, "They are not protesting for freedom of speech on my talk show! They are extremists brainwashed by Fox News who are trying to destabilize the country and go against common sense." There were reports that Piers Yanukovych had stationed snipers on the roof who were firing into the crowds, though this would go against his long-time advocacy of gun control on American television.
Many countries gave their support to the protestors, such as Britain, where a Londoner in Trafalgar Square expressed sympathy for Americans having to let a loud-mouthed ex-Tory roam around their country and tell them how to run the place. "Most Brits are glad to see him go. He was the worst representation of a Brit that we could have given to the Americans," he said, "although we are all for him staying in the USA and settling in." British Prime Minister David Cameron, aware of the effects of Yanukovych's resignation, immediately banned him from entering the UK, tweeting, "It took a hell of a long time to get rid of him! I'm not letting the Americans deport him back."
Congress, unable to assemble a bipartisan coalition to deport Piers Yanukovych back to his country of origin, settled for a compromise in which he will be traded to Canada in exchange for permanently accepting Canadian Justin Bieber. Upon Mr. Obama's signature, the CNN news program will be replaced by a new series of Ice Road Truckers hosted by Bieber.
At last report, the mob of rioters had moved away from CNN headquarters and had reassembled near CBS to demand that Scott Pelley likewise be deposed and deported to a more suitable country.
- "Piers Morgan's CNN show to end amid mediocre ratings". BBC News, February 24, 2014
- "Ukraine crisis: Turchynov warns of 'separatism' risk". BBC News, February 25, 2014