Yankees Remove Curse From New Stadium
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, February 10, 2016, 01:35:UTC)(
14 April 2008
NEW YORK -- Rampant Red Sox fan and part-time necromancer Gino Baneofsatan-Castignoli attmepted to sabatoge the New York Yankee's future stadium by placing a "level 5 Evocation Curse deep within the stadium's castle-like walls," according to the press. After collecting upwards of 70 gallons of pure sheep's blood (the source of which is still unknown) and an old, tattered Red Sox jersey, he teleported from his 2 room "apartment" in the Bronx, finally materializing under two feet of concrete after he was able to "pay the cab fare," according to the press. He then set out to finalize the curse. "At first we didn't really care about it," said Yankees president Randy Levine. "The Sox don't really have a great history of doing many things right, so why should we worry about a simple curse from a part-time necromancer?" The team then reminded Levine of the Sox' past few years, at which time he was reported to exclaim, "Oh, shit... THOSE Sox. I thought we were talking about the White ones..."
The construction crew, aided by several clerics and a level 46 Paladin by the name of Steve, also from the Bronx area, worked for several hours to remove the then-festering curse. According to reports, workers encountered "many terrible and hideous fiends from the Valley of Vok Delor," to which one worker commented, "Isn't that that Asian place? You know, the one down by Johnny's Pizza Place? Weird people in there, let me tell ya."
The jersey was removed without much injury, and was to be donated top a local charity. Upon entering the charity's headquarters, though, the volunteers inside commented, "Who the hell would want that?"
According to all initial reports, the curse was successfully removed. Steve, the paladin on hand, was reportedly very confident on the whole ordeal. "It went better than even our attack on Saltmarsh," he said, "Although how the curse could make the Yankees play any worse, I don't really know."