UnNews:Yale professor announces: he thinks he knows what the fuck is going on in "Syriana"
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Yale professor announces: he thinks he knows what the fuck is going on in "Syriana"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, October 4, 2015, 13:05:UTC)(
7 January 2009
After more than thirty-five viewings, extensive background research in Syria, Lebanon, and Kazakhstan, and a relentless sequence of logical deductions, Professor Robert Baer of Yale has announced that he thinks he knows what the fuck is going on in the film "Syriana". Pending verification of his claim, this would make him the fourth person known to have understood the film.
"It's really very straightforward once you understand it", Baer explained. "The sense of confusion induced by the film is supposed to reflect the way that nobody in America
cares knows what is going on in the Middle East. And agents for the CIA or the Iranian government don't wear nametags - why the fuck do you think you should know who they were after you've watched them in a movie?"
Baer summarized the plot:
- "American giant is oil in kingdom by al-Subaai. The foreign Nasir (Alexander) has natural-gas rights a company, upsetting American industry the interests the government. Compensate its production Connex a merger Killen, smaller company recently the rights key fields Kazakhstan. Ranks the twenty-third economy, American regulators the of (DOJ) misgivings. Washington firm by Whiting (Plummer) hired smooth the way. Bennett (Jeffrey) is to the of diligence the alleviating allegations corruption. Energy Connex losing control of key Middle-East fields a ruled the family. Emirate's minister, Prince Siddig granted drilling to Chinese greatly the oil and energy of U.S. To decreased for capacity, initiates shady with a oil which won drilling to oil in Connex-Killen as world's largest and anti-trust at Department Justice have The law headed Dean Christopher is to the for merger Holiday Wright assigned promote impression due to DOJ, of any."
Actually, this text is just every other word from the Wikipedia article Baer wrote. This is intended to convey to the audience the feeling of what it's like to watch a hyperlinked random access movie.
Baer also explains how a child managed to get electrocuted by jumping into a swimming pool with a broken light at one edge. "It's not that the water's a conductor that shunts the electricity around the child. It's not that the water's not a conductor that didn't conduct the electricity to the kid. Really, the audience is supposed to understand that the brutal Syrian police force held the child for interrogation, and accidentally lost a stun baton up his rectum. The child, too embarrassed to speak of his taboo ordeal, developed an intestinal cramp from swimming that switched on the baton, and the pain caused him to lose his breath and drown. Obviously the Syrian police took the baton during the autopsy... think about that the next time they cram it in your mouth."