Xenu disappointed over Cruise-Holmes wedding
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
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19 November 2006
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EARTH, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy -- Intergalactic warlord Xenu was very disappointed and frustrated by lavish Scientology wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes over the weekend. Xenu's agents, on Earth, or "Teegeeack" as the planet is commonly referred to, worked hard for months to try and stop the wedding, but were ultimately unsuccessful. The Saturday wedding further cemented humans' control over our homeworld.
Ever since Scientology prophet L. Ron Hubbard's "ascension to a higher plane of existence" in 1985, the evil galactic warlord Xenu has been plotting to re-conquer the Earth. But his plans have been continuously thwarted, first by the birth of Cruise's daughter Suri, and now by the couple's wedding. Xenu has particular fear of Suri, who reportedly has no alien thetans attached to her soul, making her mind pure and unsusceptible to the warlord's manipulation.
Not only was Xenu unsuccessful in stopping the wedding - his agents were even thwarted from spying on it due to high security around the Bracciano castle venue. Scientology officials set up e-meters all around the perimeter, enabling them to detect Xenu agents with ease. The Sea Org's navy was also deployed on the Italian coast, broadcasting interference to disrupt Xenu's monitoring equipment from space.
Like the rest of the universe, Xenu had to content himself with reading details of the wedding in the next day's newspapers. He was particularly distraught by the couple's "never-ending kiss" following the ceremony. "Every time Scientologists kiss, they release thetans from their bodies, making it harder for me to control their minds in the future," explained the intergalactic warlord. Yet he maintains hope, saying his two most valuable human followers are still loyal. He wouldn't reveal their identities, but pundits suspect they are Trey Stone and Matt Parker - the creators of South Park.
Meanwhile, the newlyweds departed for their 3-part honeymoon on Sunday. They'll spend a few days in the Maldives, followed by a week in a secret underground Scientology compound in New Mexico, and finally 2 weeks aboard the Sea Org ship Freewinds, where they will undergo further brainwashing.
It is reported that Xenu will continue to use the sun's heat energy to remove that unsightly ass hair.