UnNews:Wyclef Jean runs for President of Haiti
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
7 August 2010
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- A devastating earthquake, abject poverty, decades of tyranny, and now Wyclef Jean. Well, why not?
The hip-hop frontman filed papers to run for President of Haiti, the new world's only third-world hellhole. The candidate faces nagging questions, such as the fact that he can't speak Creole, owes $2.1 million to the IRS, may have double-dipped through his Yele Haiti charity, and doesn't live in Haiti at all, but in New Jersey. No matter; Haitians are hoping for change.
A real wire service said, "Few...know who he really is, what he stands for, or what is driving him to seek the presidency. He has compared his candidacy to that of U.S. President Barack Obama." No, seriously.
Haitians hope that Mr. Jean will visit his adopted country frequently, share some of his $18 million income, or at least dine at fine restaurants and leave good tips. He has promised to "bring 50 Cent to Haiti." And that is four times the average annual income. He has also promised to lift the country out of poverty by "attracting foreign investment," as well-advertised hip-hop concerts often do.
Mr. Jean says the constitutional requirement that candidates live in Haiti for five years doesn't apply to him because he was appointed the country's rapper laureate in 2007. Regarding the charges against him, Mr. Jean denies intentional wrongdoing, says the money will be repaid, and promises to make his finances public "within days."