UnNews:Writing this gave me a paper cut
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Writing this gave me a paper cut
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 07:41:UTC)(
7 February 2009
CANNOCK, UK — During the writing of this UnNews, I, your local UnNews journalist, suffered a tragic paper cut. My next of kin have been informed, but seemed uncaring about the incident, releasing a statement saying: "As the paper cut will not trigger the writer's will, and thus will not send his enormous fortune our way, we don't care about any injuries. Call us back when you've devised an overly complex method to rid us of him once and for all."
The incident, thought to have occurred at around nine o'clock on the seventh of February, started when I decided to write a guest column for UnNews. About halfway through the exposé, in which I was rumoured to be lifting the lid on the "shocking" drug habits of dogs across the globe, I noticed a pain in my right ring finger. Looking at it, a line had appeared on the opposite side of the nail, where there would not normally be lines - only sauce stains. Further investigation showed that this occurred after the finger had struck the "SysRq" key. Incidentally, this is the first reporting of said key doing anything at all in its history. National press were soon called, appearing from their home in David Beckham's arse afterr a slight delay.
A neighbour said of the incident: "I haven't, like, ever seen a paper cut quite like that, like, ever! Of course, it shouldn't really be called a paper cut, because it's, like, a key cut, isn't it? Who cares though, paper cut sounds much cooler, like it might kill him, right? Then we won't hear all those groaning noises from across the street, and everything'll be like, normal again!"
Medics were immediately called to the scene, but quickly left. One of them said: "That's no injury. Now what happened on the sojourn here, that was an injury!" I am currently in a stable condition in hospital, awaiting amputation of the sore finger and the entire arm surrounding it.
- Me "The drug my original exposé was about, and how it's terrorising our dogs". UnNews, The theoretical dimension