UnNews:Would-be-hero fatally defeated by common slime
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Would-be-hero fatally defeated by common slime
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 31, 2015, 17:31:UTC)(
9 June 2008
MYDUN, Kingdom of Herclovia – A young man with spiky blue hair was found dead near the Garglove Woods on Sunday, only moments after being entrusted the fate of the kingdom personally by the great King Valmorrah. A lone witness claims he met his demise due to excessive slime impact inflicted by a pair of roving Level 1 blue slimes. The boy, the son of recently killed-by-betrayal adventurer, ZinHigmazzar, had been falsely foreseen by a local mystic to be our long-awaited Hero of the Ages.
The witness, a stalwart woodsman with a scruffy red beard, states: “By the time I arrived on the scene, the boy had already taken heavy damage. He was up against your typical run-of-the-mill slime, but even they stood firm against his weaponless barehanded attacks. I distinctly saw him consume one pouch of purple herbs when he was in critical condition, but purple herbs are for curing poison, and everyone knows that slimes aren’t poisonous. I really don’t know what the boy was thinking."
Afterward, three pouches of life-restoring green herbs were found on the victim’s cadaver, raising the question if he even knew what they were for, or if his choice of poison antidote purple herbs was no more than a slip of the hand under pressure.
When reached for comment, His Majesty King Valmorrah spoke disdainfully of the ill-fated lad. “I had serious doubts about his sincerity to rescue our kingdom from the Dark Powers when he told me his name was JEFFTEHPWNZR. I explained to him in detail about the grave situation our kingdom, nay, the entire world faces, but he didn’t seem to be listening at all.”
Out of his utmost grace, His Majesty kindly responded to this reporter’s impudent question as to why young JEFFTEHPWNZR was sent out in the treacherous Overworld unarmed.
“I provided the boy with the finest sword he was capable of handling at the time. But the idiot wasn’t even listening when I carefully explained how to properly equip it, and he left the castle completely unequipped. Even more confounding is that he was found way out west of the Garglove Woods, when I told him ever so clearly that he must head north to the town of Milhelmia."
Upon news of the boy’s death, the hateful Lord of Darkness, Balbikknarath, released the following statement:
I was quite confident from the beginning that JEFFTEHPWNZR would be no more than a minor hindrance in the grand scheme of my evil plot. I had planned on dispatching my lower-ranking minions to vanquish him first, and sending my more vicious legions after he had proven himself strong. Obviously, there was no need for any of this. Nevertheless, I have to admit it is a bit anticlimactic to hear he went down before a few common forest slimes. Now I have no good reason to take the princess hostage, and no one to personally reveal my intricate plans to before I plunge the land into eternal darkness and misery. And in case you were all wondering, yes, you WILL be plunged into eternal darkness and misery. Love, Balby
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
The woodsman witnessing the boy’s slaying, who has requested to remain anonymous, was released by castle officials after brief questioning. “Sure, I suppose I could have revived him with one of my phoenix balms, but being that I wasn’t in his party and all, I just didn't think I should overstep my bounds.” said the woodsman in retrospect.
JEFFTEHPWNZR’s body blinked rapidly and faded away, clothes and all, at 5:47 PM on Sunday.