UnNews:Worthless cat just sits there all day

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Worthless cat just sits there all day

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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8 December 2006

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Blackie, Switzer's "completely worthless" cat

NORTHAMPTON, Massachusetts -- In an angry, frustrated MySpace Journal today, Northampton resident Richard Switzer labelled his cat Blackie "completely worthless". The shocking statement has come after months of mention by Switzer of his "stupid-ass" cat in his online journal.

"I used to just dislike him, but now I seriously hate him", said Switzer in today's blog update. "At first, I thought we were just a funny "odd couple", two guys who have lots of differences, but who come together for the real, important things, but now I realize that my cat is just an asshole. He just sits there by the window all day, doing nothing. He's completely worthless. I try to talk to him, stroke him, you know, be a nice guy, and he just ignores me. I serve him up food- real food, not some piece-of-shit cat food, and he leaves it uneaten. What's his fucking problem?

Switzer has owned Blackie for two months, after receiving the cat as a house-warming present from his mother.

"I mean, I just finished college, I got a new apartment and a new job," continued Switzer, "does he really think I need to take this kind of shit?" Switzer finished the journal entry by posting a humorous picture of a kitten holding a sniper rifle, adding the caption "I wish my cat was as cool as this one."

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