UnNews:World of Warcraft to be blamed for Virginia Tech Shootings
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World of Warcraft to be blamed for Virginia Tech Shootings
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 13:43:UTC)(
22 April 2007
Virginia, US New evidence has been uncovered that Blizzards highly addictive online video game, World of Warcraft, is to be held responsible for more than thirty deaths at the Virginia Tech campus. Reports flooded in after the massacre from online friends of the shooter that the shootings coincided with his online account being banned. We went online to get a statement we got from noob_hunta73, one of the shooters closest online friends:
"lol wanna cyber?"
"No, we are from UnNews, we wanted to ask you some questions about your recently banned friend, 'supadude2048.'"
"lol that guy was fucking nutz. he was crazy"
"Would you say he was homicidal?"
"lol i dunno about that. but he did keep going on about how he hated his skool"
"Did he ever mention plans to kill anybody?"
"yeah all the time lol"
"Why didn't you report these threats?"
"i was gunna, but i was playing wow lol"
"And why was 'supadude2048' banned?"
"i think he haxxed sum bastards acc"
"Thank you for your time"
"lol dat ok. so you wanna cyber?"
Reports from the survivors of the shooting, stated that the shooter rambled incohenrently about how much he hated moderators of World of Warcraft. Many misinterpreted this to mean that the shooter felt backed into a corner, and prejudiced against. Other misinterpretations included how the shooter hated suburban, middle class white kids and trust funds. All of this was disproved when UnNews' professional translator got hold of the shooters home video.
"The tape sent by the shooter was in fact a home video describing how furious he was that his account got banned from World of Warcraft", our Translator stated, "parts of the tape allegedly describing hatred for the middle-upper white surburban class, was in fact a description of the shooters banned character. Subsequent bits of the tape described how he felt so angry that his level 58 Dwarf was banned, and how he felt that he was only banned because he wasn't a Night Elf like everyone else."
Readers of UnNews will be happy to know that the online community is still in mourning for 'supadude2048's' account.
"We will miss 'supadude2048', that guy was 1337. He was always cybering some Mage chick and never left a battle without calling someone a noob." Stated one WoW user, "He will be severely missed, but when you have to kill yourself, you have to kill yourself."