UnNews:World mourns death of Paul the Octopus
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World mourns death of Paul the Octopus
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 26, 2017, 21:38:UTC)(
26 October 2010
The famous cephalopod, whose amazing predictions of the winner of the World Cup made him an international star, was discovered upside-down and with his tentacles in the air. His keepers said Paul had been very happy, eating mussels and writing out a report for the US Federal Reserve. The next day, he was as dead as a plate of paella. At the time of the World Cup, Paul was receiving daily death threats from outraged fans of various countries in the World Cup who he had predicted against. Argentinians said they would fry Paul in a plate of calamari, whilst the English fans warned they would cover him in tomato sauce and serve the octopus with baked beans on toast. However, once he retired from sports prognostication, Paul went into journalism. Now, the German police have been brought in to investigate his death.
It's a sad loss to the world, said a spokesperson. Last night Paul was happily working on an article for Wikileaks and today we find him dead, floating on the top of his tank with his arms hanging limply in the water. It was a sad sight and now we are checking a list of all the visitors Paul has received over the last few weeks.
Julian Assange from the Wikileaks website says Paul's death was no accident, nor the result of old age. He says the Paul had been working deep undercover (under a rock in the bottom of the aquarium, to be exact) and had been about to release the names of all the octopi killed in Iraq and Afghanistan in secret operations by the CIA, using bottle-nosed dolphins and other known predators of cephalopods.
Paul was about to break open oysters of information the authorities don't want you to see -- or eat, said Assange. He has been silenced, as I will be one day. If you mourn for Paul, you are crying for me too.
Already the aquarium has received flowers and messages from around the world. US President Barack Obama said he will send Vice President Joseph Biden if the German government of Chancellor Angela Merkel decide on a State Funeral and slap-up banquet in memory of Paul the Octopus. Other possible attendees for the funeral are Prince Charles on behalf of the United Kingdom, Gerard Depardieu for France, President Silvio Berlusconi for Italy, Deputy Head Panda Renminbi Yuan-Yuan of China and The Little Mermaid on behalf of Denmark. Others expected to tuck in...er..pay their respects will be Jamie Oliver, Nigella Lawson, Gordon Ramsay, Monsieur Cordon Bleu from Glee and Ronald McDonald for the rest of the world.
In a separate development, a new website will be set up by those who believe Paul was murdered in connection with the assassination of President John.F.Kennedy in 1963 and the attack on the Twin Towers. These are already been known as "tankers," a term derived from Paul's last resting place. They have already observed that Paul's death has been reported twice, but with differing accounts about where his body was found.