UnNews:World food shortage update: "I am to blame" admits Prescott

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World food shortage update: "I am to blame" admits Prescott

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Monday, March 19, 2018, 05:41:59 (UTC)

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9 June 2008

Prezza Food
Fat Car

UnNews photographers catch Prescott on his way to work. We don't know why he's naked, either... and where'd the beard come from? This is a bad picture of him. In fact, this isn't even him! It's just... SOME GUY! Would it have been so hard to put Prescott's face on that body? I mean seriously, give someone photoshop and THIS is what you get?! Oh, right... what's-his-face on his way to work.

London, UK: As worldwide alarm spreads across the globe over the growing shortage of basic foodstuffs in both first and third world countries, the former deputy prime minister, John Prescott, has confessed to causing the problem.

Mr Prescott was kind enough to talk to UnNews: "During my many years in office, I was put under considerable stress. Things were looking down. I had no choice but to eat the entire country's wheat supply each morning, with most of Africa's grain in the afternoon followed by China's rice surplus for supper."

It has been calculated that Prescott ate approximately the equivalent in energy of five thousand buckets of lard per day; occasionally in the form of five thousand buckets of lard per day. Dieticians agree "it ain't healthy".

Food shortages are currently at their highest levels since this reporter could be bothered to look up. If current trends continue, scientists predict, famine will continue to spread across Africa and parts of Asia for quite some time. Already reports are coming in from across the world with details of the expanding crisis.

"I had absolutely no control over my eating" the amateur croquet champion explained. "Every time there was a crisis I had to stuff my face but now I look... sorry, wait a minute..."

Prezza Pie
Prezza Frown

"Now I look back I feel nothing but shame."

"Sorry about that *munch*. Now I look back I feel nothing but shame."

In response to Mr Prescott's announcement, an angry mob had formed outside the UnNews building. We picked a random person up off the street and pretended he had some credentials.

Tiger ready

Due to security issues, Mr Prescott had to be escorted from the building in the UnNews 'car'.

"It's totally unacceptable," Prof. A. Nonymous told reporters, "Mr Prescott ought to be punished for his terrible crime."

Upon being asked what crimes Mr Prescott had committed, the 'professor' had this to say: "Why, eating of course! Who does this man think he is, just grabbing food, sometimes while at work, and shoving it down his throat? The world would be a better place if we all just stopped eating now. Then there'd be enough food for everybody. Imagine how future generations would thank us!"

Oscar Wilde declined to comment.

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