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Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 19:12:UTC)(
7 July 2007
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NASHVILLE, Tennesee -- Everyone knows the date 7/7/07 has numerical significance- but few grasp the true meaning of this date. "Essentially, we're all going to pray for the rapture to occur all day. Then, it will," said Lou Engle, founder of TheCall, on Thursday. The world was abuzz with TheCall's strange ambitions, and many anticipated the ascension of the right to heaven this Saturday. Finally, it happened. "Alright!" said Engle earlier today, slowly floating towards the sky in a yellow beam of light. "I hate to say I told you so," he added, and then he floated out of sight. "Dammit," said local Atheist Robert Pryce. "Guess I should've yielded to God's divine will. Nothing left to do but watch TV, I guess."
The world carefully prepared for the Ultimate Judgment yesterday. Stores had a End of the World half-off sale. "Many will be ascending to heaven tomorrow," said JC Penney's spokesman Rich Frederickson. "But that's no reason to miss out on some great deals! Ties 75% off!" Local Christian Anne Hill said she spent all of Friday praying. "With all this cumulative effort of praying and such, it'd just be silly for the whole thing to not happen!" Doug Darrell, a Baptist/Criminal, spent all day yesterday looting. "It doesn't matter," he said. "I'll be saved tomorrow, and the whole thing will be water under the bridge."
Upon discovering the Tennessee group was causing the Rapture to occur the next day, religious leaders denounced their religions and quickly converted to Christianity. "Well, I was committed to bringing about world peace and freeing Tibet," said the Dalai Llama, "But if this whole Rapture thing is happening tomorrow, I don't want to get 'Left Behind.'" Rabbi Bertram Goldstein expressed similar views yesterday. "It is a little disappointing to know that, after all these years, I've been in the wrong religion, but 'that's the way the cookie crumbles,' as you may say."' Thousands took the street holding signs saying "Repent! The End really is near."
"I suppose it may seem silly to some," said Engle before his ascension today. "But I honestly believe what we're doing is right." Many of those 'Left Behind' are pondering what to do now. "I guess I'll call Steve and we'll g- oh, right. Damn," said Pryce. The near-deserted streets are covered in dirt, and everything is in disrepair. "As for those who don't... make it," added Engle, "It's their loss. Anyone who has any common sense can see the End is tomorrow."