UnNews:World doesn't end
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World doesn't end
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 28, 2017, 22:27:UTC)(
6 June 2006
WELLINGTON, Germany -- It's June 6, 2006, or 6/6/6, and, strangely enough, the world hasn't ended. That's right, the date is now equal to the Number of the Beast, but the predicted apocalypse has not yet come. Why? No one knows for sure, but one thing is certain: The Book of Revelations was either misleading or dead wrong. All that hype about the number 666 and then nothing happens.
For example, according to the calendar in use in Jesus' time, the Julian Calendar, one year in four is a leap year, but the calendar was changed to the Gregorian Calendar in 1582, which took away three leap years (1700, 1800 and 1900). Thus, according to Jesus, June 6, 2006 comes on what we consider to be June 9, 2006. If this is the case, the apocalypse is still coming, just three days later.
According to most atheists, of course, the Bible is not an accurate historical record, nor is it a predictive device, so the apocalypse is never going to come at all. Christians argue against this by saying that atheists cannot prove that the apocalypse will never happen, while Christians can prove it will just as soon as it does. Also, they say, the fact that the number 666 appears in all barcodes is overwhelming evidence that the Bible is correct and the end of the world is indeed coming.
edit Public opinion
As one of the world's leading online news sources, UnNews has naturally received many phone calls and emails on the subject. Some people asked whether Scientists had found a reason why the world hadn't ended, while others asked the same thing about priests. Still others were angry at God for failing their faith in him; indeed, it is estimated that approximately 1,200,000 Christians, 460,000 Muslims and 90,000 Jews have deconverted today, more than on any other day in history.
"It's a real disappointment." says Jack Peterson, of Auckland, New Zealand, "I was out on my front porch at midnight with my video camera ready in order to film the Apocalypse, but then nothing happened. 1:00 AM, still nothing. At about 2:00 I said to myself, "Screw that", and went back to bed to have sex with my wife."
Mary Williams, of Dallas, Texas, has a different and decidedly less humorous view of the matter. "This is such a load of BS." she says, "My husband and I spent all our money enjoying ourselves while we could. We took the kids to Disneyland, played the slots in Las Vegas and finally flew to Hawaii to spend the rest of our short lives there. Now the world hasn't ended, and we're left without money or work."
"For the moment we're living at my father's place until my husband can find another job. Both of us have lost all faith we had in God, and we're going to sue Protestantism for misleading us about the end of the world."
UnNews has also managed to get the professional opinions of both a scientist and a priest on why the world hasn't ended.
"To me it's obvious." said Aubrey de Grey, a renowned molecular biologist, "The Bible is wrong. How many times has it been proved wrong by Science, 666 times? It claims pi equals three, while computers have now calculated it to trillions of digits. It claims the Universe is only 6000 years old, while our radio telescopes can clearly see radiation from galaxies billions of years old. It claims all life was created as it is, while we have thousands of different fossils of life forms which are all known to no longer exist, and which can be found in rocks dating to millions of years. Again and again Christians have had to modify their interpretations of the Bible as science has proved it wrong. Why should the end of the world be any different? It's June 6, 2006, and I can see with my own eyes that the world hasn't ended. What are we going to trust, a book written hundreds of years ago or what we can see with our own eyes? If the world hasn't ended, it hasn't ended, and that's that."
Bishop John Reed of England held an entirely different opinion. "The Bible never claimed the world would end on June 6, 2006.", he says, "666 was given as the Number of the Beast, never as a date. The Apocalypse will come, just not quite yet. As we can see, most of the prophecies have already been fulfilled, so Jesus' return will likely happen soon, within another few days. Or weeks. Or years.
John Reed was also quick to refute Aubrey de Grey's claims, "Pi does indeed equal three. We already know from Einstein's relativity that space in the Universe is not flat. In fact, it is warped just enough to make the perimeter of a circle three times the diameter, while the ratio appears to be pi."
"The light collected by radio telescopes was created by God 6000 years ago along with the rest of the Universe, and is just now reaching Earth. The fossils formed quickly when they were buried by silt during the Great Flood, which wiped out all the animals commonly known as 'prehistoric', along with all the giants and unicorns. The fact that they date to millions of years is a test of faith deliberately placed there by God to cull the weak-minded from his followers and keep Christianity pure with the hearts of the truly Faithful."
"That is to say, those who follow the Message of Love and Peace, and of Prayer, given to us by the Lord Jesus Christ our Savior."
Later asked why the curvature of space acted more strongly on smaller circles, why no unicorn or giant fossils were ever found, why God had written the Bible if he wanted to test people's faith and why his last sentence capitalized so many common nouns, Bishop Reed was unable to coherantly comment, due to his foaming at the mouth.