UnNews:World didn't end again
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World didn't end again
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 14:39:UTC)(
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PANAMA CITY BEACH, FL- Panama City Beach resident Charlyn Marshall emerged from her basement today, realizing that once again, the world didn't end. Marshall, a bar-haunting, lager-drinking piece of shit, was convinced the world would end in 2006.
"Fuck. I really thought it would happen this time," sighed Marshall today, "I waited the whole year, in my basement, because I thought the world would end in 2006. I figured if it hadn't ended in January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, and November, it would end in December. So I waited, and waited. But, it didn't end. I feel like a fool."
Marshall was not alone in her disappointment, however. Across the Western World, many others emerged from their bomb-shelter basements, scratching their heads in confusion. "Dangit," said Joel Switzer, neighbor of Marshall, "Coulda sworn it'd happen." Switzer then mumbled an unintelligible sentence to himself, before gulping down a warm can of Billy Beer.
It seems, however, that a lost year has not affected Marshall at all. "Well, you win some, you lose some. I'm pretty confuddled by the whole darn thing, but whatever."