|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
26 June 2007
THE VIPER ROOM, Los Angeles, Tuesday (U! News) — Paris Hilton left jail Tuesday after a bizarre three-week stay in which the fabric of the Universe briefly warped to release her to her Hollywood Hills home, then warped again to send her screaming and crying back to a county lockup.
The 26-year-old celebutarde levitated out of the all-women's jail in Lynwood to an enormous horde of Center for Disease Control scientists after midnight. Hilton smiled as she left the jail, her eyes and left nipple radiating sickly green laser beams and small sparks coming from her fingertips. Her parents, Kathy and Rick, met her in a black armored cattle truck as scientists took measurements and Hilton, wearing an off-the-breast gold blouse, waved to the crowd, killing three and injuring seven.
Hilton began her 45-day sentence for violating her probation in an alcohol-related reckless superhero combat incident after a night on the town with Britneyzilla and Mecha-Lohan, in which large swathes of Hollywood were destroyed, raising property values. She was mostly confined to a radiation-proof diamagnetic adamantium isolation chamber away from the other 2,200 inmates.
A few days into her stint at the Twin Towers medical ward, the heiress revealed in a phone call to Barbara Walters a new outlook on life. "I used to, like, act dumb. LOL! It was, like, an act. Well, duh. Honest.
"With great power comes great respuh— respondah— stuff, y'know, like the Spider guy said. It's time for me to be, like, a role model. Imagine thousands of young girls wanting to be just like me."