UnNews:World War III begins as Switzerland invades Liechtenstein; US Army Secretary resigns
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World War III begins as Switzerland invades Liechtenstein; US Army Secretary resigns
Straight talk, from straight faces
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 02:38:UTC)(
3 March 2007
VADUZ, Liechtenstein -- March 2nd will live on as yet another day of infamy after Switzerland staged a surprise attack on neighboring Liechtenstein and declared war. Under cover of darkness in the pre-dawn hours, a contingent of 170 Swiss infantrymen, recently redeployed from Vatican guard duty, crossed into the tiny principality over its mountainous eastern border. Undercover operatives that had previously infiltrated Liechtenstein stealthily killed border guards in the region before the attack, thus rendering the invasion a complete surprise.
Swiss troops crossed about a mile into foreign territory before meeting resistance. Liechtenstein, with a population of only 33000 and no army, mounted a feeble defense with a police squad. As air raid sirens blared across the principality's tiny towns, residents awoke to news of impending doom. Government officials filed an emergency appeal to the United Nations, and Prime Minister Otmar Hasler appeared on national television pleading for a cease fire. Prince Hans-Adam II and the rest of the royal family barricaded themselves in Schloss Vaduz overlooking the capital.
Great Britain immediately declared support for the defenseless Liechtenstein, with David Cameron admitting that intelligence sources "anticipated the attack for weeks now, which is the real reason why we withdrew from Iraq - so that we could mount an effective military campaign right in the heart of Europe." Germany meanwhile sided with Switzerland, with Prime Minister Angela Merkel declaring that "Liechtenstein had been the sore eye of Europe for decades now - it's time to get rid of this useless monarchy." Italy and France quickly sent troops to fortify their borders with Switzerland, vowing to maintain neutrality for now, but promising to enter the conflict as soon as more forces are mobilized, when it would be evident, who gain the victory in the conflict.
The United States entered Defcon 2 on news of the invasion, and the President ordered American troops stationed in Germany's Rammstein airbase to prepare for a brutal conflict. But the US effort was immediately met with disappointment as Army Secretary Francis Harvey resigned, saying that the US was unprepared for a new war because of the commitments in Iraq and Afghanistan. In his resignation letter, he wrote that America would need "at least half a million troops" to effectively defend Liechtenstein from Switzerland's military powerhouse. The Swiss army troops are armed with versatile knives that contain multiple weapons all stored in one small package. "Their technology is far superior to ours," admitted US Defense Secretary Robert Gates. News on the Army's plans of a raid on Stockholm were told to be completely wrong as no American would ever confuse Switzerland with Sweden.
The United Nations is convening an emergency session tonight to discuss the crisis, which many already refer to as the beginning of World War III. Whatever the UN's Security Council decides, they must act fast. At press time, Swiss troops were already shelling the outskirts of the capital Vaduz, and helicopter gunships could be seen assaulting the prince's castle. UnNews' parent company Uncyclopedia has already decided to close its Liechtenstein office and evacuate all staff on the last train leaving for Paris within the hour.
- "" "Swiss army oversteps mark with midnight foray into Liechtenstein". AFP, March 2, 2007