UnNews:World United Society Serving Introverts heckled during loudmouth rally
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World United Society Serving Introverts heckled during loudmouth rally
The news outlet with approval higher than Congress
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 15:24:UTC)(
18 March 2008
Right out in the open, Center of Attention Extroverts shouted their opinions to anybody who would listen at a rally today against the increasing influence of introverted people, making it difficult for this reporter to obtain copy.
Throughout the rally which was presented with garish pomp and unnecessary flourish, speakers attempted to obtain more attention than the other extroverts present via the lavish presentation of painfully loud, irritating music, bling, hookers, free food, amphetamines and firing live rounds.
Confused, not really understanding the key issues, this over-hyped reporter sought out a coffee-shop several hundred meters away from the both ear and armor-piercing rally. Luckily for this assignment, a single extrovert barged into the coffee-shop and blurted out to the entire place:
"THOSE WUSSIES, THEY WOULDN'T EVER FIND THEIR WAY TO A PLACE LIKE THIS FROM THEIR SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKERS, WOULD THEY? THOSE INTROVERTED PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS, NOT SPEAKING THEIR MINDS LIKE THE REST OF US. THEM WUSSIES ARE SNEAKY, HAVING THOUGHTS IN THEIR MINDS. IT'S PEOPLE LIKE THAT WHO END UP TO BE TERRORISTS. EVER SEE ONE OF THEM WUSSIES AROUND HERE? NOPE, IT'S CAUSE THEY'RE hiding..."
As it turns out, nobody has any idea what the introverts are up to. Various techniques to extract all of their secret information, including waterboarding, have failed. It has astonished investigators.
"We drown these... shadows of men, and yet, they say nothing- nothing. They are like the perfect soldier." mused Dick Cheney, while sawing off an introverted person's leg. He then resumed hurling expletives at his victim to derive some sadistic pleasure from the act. Equally determined, his victim expressed no emotion during the procedure and even bled politely before death.
After months of extensive research using a time machine and some rubber bands, the press corps of engineers obtained an exclusive phone interview with the head of the World United Society Serving Introverts, who prefers to remain anonymous.
"...i'm just a guy." he eventually whispered. "...i think people just talk all the time to distract themselves from the real issue: the heat death of the universe. anyways, it's not likely that i'll hear them because i'm putting the cotton back in my ears after this interview. i've got some problems to solve... extroverted people are just sheep... that's all. k, bye."
The Department of Homeland Security also suspects that people who are just speaking a different language are likely introverted in a special new way which they are currently struggling to define in law. "See, them folks who use funny words are much like them wussies," a representative in a broad-rimmed cowboy hat expounded, "we can't never understand what they'alls saying. They'alls plottin' sumpthin, if yer were to ask me."