UnNews:World IS Flat!
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World IS Flat!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 16:43:UTC)(
8 June 2006
Today the world was shocked as long time moron Professor Christopher Columbus admitted he had lied about his 'discovery', that the world is actually a sphere, along with his voyage under the sea. "The world is flat..I just wanted some attention, that's all..." he said, spraying tears over this reporter and others. For 19 charges of Fraud, conspiracy to forge Kittens, and fibbing, the one-time hero was sentenced with a lifetime Internet Ban, and 5 hours of working as an intern for Oprah.
Originally, Columbus claimed he had found a way around the world from europe to asia, making a quick route to asia, where from Kittens could be imported for the new recreational activity of Huffing. Use of this route was widely accepted as 'experimental' and 'under contruction' until this point, companies such as Huffco and Kitinex had poured billions and billions of dollars into research. Now, full grown men in business suits weep like little girls.
Armed with this new knowledge, scientists begin to realise the world made so much more sense today with 'flat world' logic. The church of Scientology reportedly already lost scores of members, leaving a worldwide congregation of about 3, including Tom Cruise, his wife, Katie Holmes and their new-born child.
On the other hand, God and his faithful followers have celebrated wordwide, with 'no jeese, dumb-head!' parties. Unfortunately, these parties are entirely devoid of Beer, and that hot chick insists she's saving herself (thought you know she's doing that brain guy), thus making them pointless.
Police are looking into any information on those who have claimed to have gone 'around' the world, as they are seen as members of this terrible heretic's conspiracy.