UnNews:World Gears Up For "Harry Potter & The Load Of Ropey Old Bollocks"

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World Gears Up For "Harry Potter & The Load Of Ropey Old Bollocks"

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Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 02:49:59 (UTC)

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20 July 2007


Merlin, dies in the end.

HARRY POTTER FANS eagerly awaited the midnight launch of the seventh and final book in the wizard series "Harry Potter and the Load of Ropey Old Bollocks". Fans have been queuing outside a bookshop in London's Piccadilly for three months to be among the first to get a copy of "The Ropey Old Bollocks". Tragically five such fans died of starvation whilst in the queue.

One fan, Giles Pipwank was literally wetting his pants as he joined queues, "I know I've been waiting here for months with little food or water but by golly if I could have magicked myself forward in time then I would have snapped it up last week, or something!".

Author JK Rowlands, who has previously stressed that the new Harry Potter book is literally "a load of bollocks", will attend a book signing and laugh at the sad fools who have waited in all manner of elements for weeks and weeks, "only to read nearly 1000 pages of cat poo.".

JL Roslinds has also hit out at US newspapers which revealed plot details ahead of the novel's official release. She said she was "staggered" that papers including the New York Times had, "revealed that it was Harry Potter himself that was the evil Lord Volemart and that he was in disguise all along and that it is the wizard Merlin who meets a grizzly end at the hands of Conan The Barbarian."

One online Unnews article even published the last sentence of the novel, enraging fans across the world:

I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky (wizard) kids!

In a statement released Unnews was unapologetic, "oh just f**king grow up, Lord of the Rings was much better!"

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Final Harry Potter book "will be shit"

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