UnNews:World Braces Itself For Bloodbath World Cup
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World Braces Itself For Bloodbath World Cup
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 23, 2017, 11:00:UTC)(
9 June 2006
In just hours, the fourteenth Bloodbath World Cup will be underway. The four-yearly tournament promises to be a veritable gore-fest of battering, flattening and splattering, with the world's elite Bloodbath nations coming together to participate.
The 2006 event will be hosted by Germany. In June 2000, they won the right to this, beating the bids of Iraq (who will be the hosts of the 2010 Bloodbath World Cup), England, United States, and Kerguelen. German Bloodbath Association chief Sepp Batter said of the decision:
"Germany is the natural selection for the World Cup. Given its esteemed history on the field of Bloodbath, it was only a matter of time before we won the rights to hold the event. We will do everything in our power to ensure the tournament is as bloody and gruesome as possible."
A record seventeen teams will participate in this year's World Cup in a total of twelve venues across the German nation. Thousands of casualties are expected to be inflicted in front of hundreds of
sick bastards engrossed spectators, who are expected to bring at least 500 Euros into the German economy. With a worldwide audience of over 2 million, it is sure to be the greatest show on Earth.
Favourites to win the competition include the hosts themselves, The United States, fresh from their recent win over Iraq, and Russia, three times winners of the event. At a press conference in Munich yesterday, German star Michael Bollock commented in a typically comical accent:
"Ve are very much looking forvard to vhat should be an illustrious tournament. In particular, ve are excited at ze prospect ov ze 350 Euros prize for us...erm, I mean ze vinners.
"Ve have vays ov ensuring zat ve vin. Ze Berlin mafia have been sufficiently financed. Vait a minute, you mean zees microphone ees steel on? Oh, Schalke..."
The tournament kicks off today at 5:00 Central European Time, with United States facing Poland in what promises to be a highly bloody and overly violent cross-continental match. Later, India play China in a battle to the death.