UnNews:World's oldest orangutan dies at age 4
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World's oldest orangutan dies at age 4
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 05:04:UTC)(
30 December 2007
MIAMI, Florida -- A four year old baby Orangutan, believed to be the oldest remaining orangutan in the entire world, died today, according to a spokesman for Miami Zoo. The orangutan, who was officially named "Zonga," but known affectionately among zookeepers as "that awful thing that smells, and needs expensive food every day," was found dead in her cage yesterday. Also, it was noted, that her last words several hours before her death were " This cage reeks of gorilla!!"
"Everybody's very sad, especially with an animal like an orangutan," said the zoo official in the announcement of Zonga's death, "We're saddened for many reasons--but mainly because she brought in a truckload of cash every week."
"The cause of death is as of yet unknown, but it may have had something to do with the fact that the janitor shot her," says a zoo representative, "We'll be having an autopsy performed, of course, in order to determine whether she died of her lung condition, old age, or the bullet in her skull. As of right now, any of those possibilities seem to be reasonable assumptions."
Before her death, Zonga was the oldest orangutan in the world. "Yeah, we were really surprised she lives so long...In the old days, orangutans could live up to 40 or 50 years of age, but nowadays our specimens usually last about a week," says the zoo official, "It's probably the pollution in the air, and the fact that most of the kids who visit the zoo like to throw things at the animals. They don't like just looking at them, they don't think it's exciting enough. I don't blame them. Most of these animals really are quite dull. At least the monkeys masturbate, but the great apes are such prudes! Perhaps they're studying for the priesthood. So we sell bricks and rocks for the kids to throw. The little tykes!"
Zookeepers were astonished that Zonga didn't die the instant they put her in the cage, as their last orangutan,Paula Abdul's child, Booger, had done. "Yeah, it was quite astounding. She didn't even seem to notice the nails and the broken glass. What a resilient little thing! By living for four days--now I'm talking four FULL days here, not three and a half or three and four fifths--she has set a new standard, and defied the average life expectancy for the orangutan, which, thanks to logging, poaching, flushing orangutans down the toilet, and other popular pastimes, has dropped to a week in recent years. We plan to erect a statue devoted to her memory...actually...wait a minute..." (the zoo official paused at this point to read a text message) "...oh, I see that she has been sold to a mitten company. Oh well. She smelled, anyway."