UnNews:World's oldest man, Jesus Christ, celebrates 2009th birthday
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World's oldest man, Jesus Christ, celebrates 2009th birthday
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 28, 2016, 01:47:UTC)(
25 December 2006
VATICAN CITY -- Jesus Christ, the oldest person in the world, celebrated his 2009th birthday in a small ceremony at his retirement home at the Vatican today. Mr. Christ was born in 4 B.C., but during a middle age crisis he pretended to be four years younger, which is why at the time the calendar was designed around his alleged date of birth in 1 A.D. When historians uncovered his real age a few decades ago, Mr. Christ acknowledged the lie, "Back when I was 40 and pretending to be 36 those 4 years made a difference, but now it doesn't matter anymore - who cares if I'm 2009 or 2005?"
Mr. Christ's impressive age far surpasses that of the world's second oldest person, Puerto Rico's Emiliano Mercado del Toro, who is only 115 years old. Jesus attributes his longevity to "a healthy diet, regular exercise, and being the immortal son of God." His doctors say that with proper care he should live another few thousand years, until the Apocalypse.
Ironically, Mr. Christ once faked his own death at the young age of 33. He did so as he grew tired of being a celebrity, having shot to fame as the Roman Empire's greatest magician. Known for tricks like turning water into wine and feeding thousands with just a few loaves of bread, he is by far best known for his final illusion, entitled "the grand crucifixion." Many, including Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to this day deny that the event actually took place, and instead mockingly refer to it as the "cruci-fiction."
Initially only a few of his fans, the apostles, knew that he faked his death, and they continued performing his repertoire while their master retired to Rome, appointing Peter as his caretaker. The position passed down through the ages and is now being held by Pope Benedict XVI. Mr. Christ continues to receive top-notch care in the luxurious halls of the Vatican retirement center. The extensive costs are covered by profits from a biography of his early life, "The New Testament," which continues to be the world's best-selling book after "Harry Potter and the Flying Purple Hippo".
The actual birthday ceremony this year was fairly low-key, with Jesus receiving his traditional gold, myrrh, and frankincense, as well as a new pair of sandals from his best friend Santa Claus. Coincidentally, his birthday falls on Christmas, but Mr. Christ was never bothered by that since he is Jewish and doesn't celebrate that holiday. He does, however, still celebrate the ancient Roman holiday for Sol Invictus on the same date. Friends say the elderly Messiah often reminisces about the festivities in the olden days, talking about how he "really misses the orgies."