This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
17 June 2010
WESTMINSTER, Britain -- Proposals are being set out by the British government that will attempt to cut the levels of deaths on the roads caused by drink-driving. People with lifestyles synonymous with alcohol will be targeted and no longer allowed to get behind the wheel.
Leading academic Sir Peter North explained the current thinking to UnNews over a glass of the '96 Chteau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac:”I enjoy the odd snifter as much as anyone else, but there's no doubt that those within a certain wage-band are of a disposition to enjoy the consumption rather too much. This accurate and carefully researched over-generalisation gives the government the perfect and reasonable justification to ban those who earn under thirty thousand pounds from operating motor vehicles for personal use. Commercial drivers will of course continue to be allowed to drive as long as they deposit a member of their family as insurance before they leave each morning and wear luminous orange clothing.........let me give you a top-up.”
These Proposals which should pass through Parliament uncontested also advocate the banning of homosexuals and the French from getting behind the wheel, under the justification that ”you can't trust gays'” and that “the frogs are a strange lot who eat snails and garlic, both separately and in combination”
Protests from the working-class have been lead by the newly formed Behind Being Behind the Wheel who argue that the proposals are a massive over-reaction. Their lobbying has lead to some concessions in the bill. Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that, ”Those in the working-class who can prove they regularly consume high-literature and have never watched Coronation Street, will be given concession to drive if they have to get to a job interview in an area not serviced by public-transport.”
Similar measures to modify driving behaviour have seen success in other countries: Texas's banning of Liberals from driving lead to a 65% cut in stupid little cars, whilst Germany's prohibition of female controlled vehicles means women have had more time to clean the house and make themselves look pretty.