UnNews:Woolworths customer trampled in stampede

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1 December 2008

Woolworths collapses

Woolworths staff get some much-needed exercise.

A rare Woolworths customer was trampled to death after frenzied staff stampeded out of a Luton store, breaking down the doors in the scramble to leave. The man, who has since been sold as mincemeat, was knocked to the ground as the glass doors to the Woolworths store on the Landfill View estate shattered under the force of an unruly 200-strong crowd of personnel, moments after the announcement of the collapse of the traditional 'Cheapo Crap' retailer.

The crowd swarmed over and around him even as muggers paramedics battled in vain to empty his wallet save him, said police. Horrified witnesses spoke of employees cheering as the store emptied. 'When I told them they'd be losing their jobs, one yelled, "I've been sat at this shitty checkout for 3 years and now's my chance to get the fuck out". They just kept running. None of them could even be bothered to loot the store' said Chantelle Chuffbuttocks, who described the crowd as 'insane with delight'.

Typical Woolworths Customer

A recent picture of the customer.

The customer, one of a vanishing breed of congenital idiots who visit the store during the Christmas period, was quickly gathered up by a local butcher and recycled.

'This crowd was out of control,' said Human Resources specialist Martin Flogworthy, who described the scene as 'poor personnel management'. He claimed the store lacked adequate imprisonment facilities. 'I've heard other people call this an accident, but it is not. Certainly it was a foreseeable act. Cattle prods, handcuffs and Rohypnol would have kept them at the tills.'

edit Business Vulture in Takeover Bid?

Theo The Axeman

Good old Theo rescuing another business.

Intense speculation about the causes of the extreme staff reaction has been fueled by rumours of an attack by the Theo "The Axeman" Paphitis.

Paphitis, who is named after an embarrassing intestinal disorder, is known from the hit TV series 'Vultures Den,' where psychopaths exploit willing idiots for money. He said 'It's what I do, I pounce on businesses in distress, hack the staff to pieces and eat their flesh. It is early days. My appetite might be satisfied in the next week or two'.

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