UnNews:Women urged to name their sex toys

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8 April 2007

Excalib
King Arthur's sword, Excalibur (literally, "Penis Envy")

LONDON - Taking a page from the literature of the patriarchy, so to speak, feminists are urging women to name their dildos and other marital aids sex toys the way that men, in the past, named their “instruments” of war.

For Unferth, it was “Hrunting”; for Beowulf, it was “Naegling”; for King Arthur, it was “Excalibur.” By naming their swords, warriors expressed an affinity on the part of their wielders similar to the affection that modern men convey in the naming of their cars, horses, penises, and other inanimate objects.

“Typically,” Bertha Grubb, a spokesman for the National Organization for Women (NOW) told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies, “women have not named things, other than their children. We encourage them to start doing so. However, they should not dignify their spatulas, vacuum cleaners, brooms, or ovens by giving them names, as these objects and appliances are symbolic of women’s enslavement to men. Instead, we suggest that women name objects that show their liberation from, and independence of, the male oppressor, such as their birth control pills, or, even better, their dildos and other marital aids sex toys."

Not only did Medieval warriors name their swords, lances, shields, spears, and armor, but fighting men of other cultures also named their “instruments” of war as well, much for the same reason--to show their affection for these possessions, Grubb observed. Japanese warriors named their swords. The suffix maru or maro, meaning ‘bosom buddy,’ was etched into the blades of their weapons, to show how the swordsmen felt about their swords. Conversely, the bastards named their wives ‘battleaxe.’”

Likewise, Grubb said, Thor, the god of Thunder Down Under, named his hammer Mjolnir, meaning “Valkyrie’s Vagina.” “Among primitive tribes, such as men,” Grubb explained, “naming an object invested it with the attribute represented by the appellation. For example, naming a sword ‘Maker of Corpses’ bestowed upon the weapon the power to transform married women into widows. An unnamed sword was just a sharp-edged, sharp-pointed metal blade, but a sword with a name had a personality, a character; it could become a friend. Thor’s Mjolnir showed the sexism, chauvinism, and misogyny with which he regarded the daughters of his father, Odin, who were his own sisters, the Valkyries, with whom, apparently, in the manner of males the world over, he committed incest, for why, otherwise, would he have named his tool ‘Valkyrie’s Vagina’?”

In Arthurian lore, the knights of the Round Table (a symbol of the vagina, according to Grubb) also named their swords: “Sir Gawain’s sword, Galantyne, means ‘My Penis Is Bigger Than Yours,’ a common taunt of the puerile male, even as far back as the Middle Ages and earlier.”

To add further mystique to swords, in addition to naming them, warriors sometimes claimed that their swords had been forged by gods, trolls, or other supernatural beings or from precious or exotic metals. For example, Thor’s hammer is said to have been fashioned by dwarves, and King Arthur’s beloved sword is said to have been forged from a meteorite.

Women should name such objects as ben-wa balls, dildos, vibrators, kegel exercisers, and other marital aids sex toys to demonstrate a similar fondness for these male surrogates, Grubb suggested, “to show male-pigs that women can get along just fine without their male-pig appendage.’”

Mr. Point
Kendra the Vampire Layer's stake, "Mr. Pointy" (literally, "Phallic Symbol")

Likewise, to indicate the esteem in which they hold these objects, women should claim supernatural or exotic origins for their marital aids sex toys, Grubb contends, claiming that the goddess "Venus fashioned their dildos or that the Viking Hell-goddess Hel made their ben-wa balls out of diamonds or gold--or, what the Hell?--both."

To date, the only precedent for any woman ever having named a weapon is the fictional character Kendra, a vampire layer in the once-popular, but now mercifully discontinued, feminist-lesbian television show, Muffy the Vampire Layer, who named her rather phallic wooden stake “Mr. Pointy” (literally, "Phallic Symbol"), a Medieval euphemism for the penis, as the name Manly Pointer, from Flannery O‘Connor‘s short story, “Good Country People,” indicates.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Women urged to name their sex toys.

As names for their marital aids sex toys, Grubb suggests that “women choose such designations as Pussy and--well, that’s it, actually.”

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