UnNews:Woman posing as teenage boy is actually a man posing as a woman posing as a teenage boy
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Woman posing as teenage boy is actually a man posing as a woman posing as a teenage boy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, December 10, 2016, 22:33:UTC)(
12 April 2007
SAN FRANCISCO – A Californian woman was arrested this Saturday for allegedly molesting a 13 year old girl, who was tricked into thinking the woman was her teenaged boyfriend. However, the woman who was pretending to be the girl’s 16 year old boyfriend was actually a 29 year old man who was pretending to be a 37 year old woman. Diane Haddlebrook, the 37 year old woman, had pretended to be ‘Jacob Thomas’, a 16 year old orphan, for almost a year. However, it was actually Harvey Yammhauser the entire time, a 29 year old computer support specialist from Denver, pretending to be ‘Diane Haddlebrook’ who was pretending to be ‘Jacob Thomas.’
The Portland Police Department Chief issued this statement on the matter: “I am very confused. Are you saying that there was a dude who was pretending to be a chick who was pretending to be an orphan?”
When Yammhauser was first questioned about the incident, he told authorities, while initially in character as Jacob Thomas, that “[he] has absolutely no idea who Harvey Yammhauser or Diane Haddlebrook are,” and that “[he] wants to talk to his girlfriend because [he] misses her.”
They interrogated him further, and eventually he cracked: “Okay, okay, I’ll admit, I am actually Diane Haddlebrook. I was pretending to be Jacob Thomas so I could trick this girl into being my boyfriend. But I still don’t know who this Yammhauser character is!”
Police eventually grew tired of the stale façade, and started beating the woman, who was actually a man.
“Ouch! Ow! Stop it! Ow! Okay! I’ll tell you: I am actually Harvey Yammhauser. I was posing as a teenage boy so I could get with that hot little girl.”
When asked why he was posing as an older woman who was posing as an orphan boy, Yammhauser said, “Well, I wanted to be original. I mean, No one’s ever heard of a child molester who was pretending to be a woman who was pretending to be an orphan boy so he could molest a little girl. You can’t even write that shit.”