UnNews:Woman has identity stolen; thief divorces husband and takes half
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Woman has identity stolen; thief divorces husband and takes half
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 10:00 (UTC)
13 November 2010
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
AFFLUENTVILLE, Kansas – A startling new tactic being employed by identity thieves across America has many dead, old sugar daddies rolling over in their grave, and has the FBI scratching its head as to how to stop the growing number of scams.
32-year-old Margaret Thomas-Greenberg, who now resides with her 89-year-old husband Grant Greenberg in a 10-bedroom chalet, says that her identity was stolen about a year ago. The identify thief, middle-aged man Mark Thomas, obtained copies of her social security card and other sensitive information, which he then used to file for divorce from Mr. Greenberg. Greenberg, old and confused, signed the divorce papers, effectively handing over half of his assets to Mr. Thomas. The couple returned from their month-long vacation in Asia to discover their house had been sold, their cars were nowhere to be found, and Sparky, their 12-year-old pedigree golden retriever, had been renamed Spunky.
“We’ve been reduced to this shitty 6,000 sq. ft. chalet which is twice as far from the country club as our previous home. It’s a travesty,” said Margaret Greenberg, adjusting her large, silicon-filled breasts. “I’ve had to trade Prada for Abercrombie. Do you know how embarrassing that is?”
But Thomas didn’t get away clean. According to the FBI and a series of private investigators hired by the Greenbergs, Ms. Greenberg had filed for divorce from Mr. Greenberg only days prior when the British Petroleum stocks he held lost value. The redundant divorce request made it able for them to track Thomas down and arrest him on six counts of fraud and one outstanding warrant for an indecent exposure charge from several years ago. After a three-month long trial and six days of jury deliberation, the fraud charges didn’t stick. Jurors felt that Ms. Greenberg could not provide sufficient evidence that she was actually the octogenarian’s wife. The jury was also hung on whether or not Ms. Greenberg was really Ms. Greenberg. Luckily, the latter charge stuck, and Thomas is now serving twelve months on house arrest in his 19th century villa in The Hamptons.
“It’s unfortunate that scam artists like him can get away with this. My bubby nearly had a heart attack when he heard the verdict. And as you may or may not know, he has a bad heart,” said Ms. Greenberg in response to the jury’s verdict. “HNNNNGGGG!” grunted Mr. Greenberg, having a heart attack in response to UnNews’ questions about his heart problems. But this is not the first incident of this nature. Scheister Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth Madoff, was recently discovered to be 42-year-old Ross Mattford. According to Mattford’s confession in July of this year, he had killed Ruth Madoff ten years ago with a crossbow and has been successfully impersonating her ever since. So successfully, in fact, that Bernie Madoff himself didn’t recognize anything out of the ordinary.
"I never thought it strange that she…or he…didn't have a vagina. I guess I'm just so used to fucking people in the ass that I didn't bother to care." Ross eventually came clean about his devious plot, which some claimed would’ve been the largest monetary scam in American history if not for Madoff beating him to it first. After being convicted of murder and fraud, Ross was sent to the same prison as his former “husband”: the Federal Correctional Institution in Otisville, NY, just seventy miles from Manhattan. There, Ross and Madoff have reconciled their differences and have continued their relationship. They’ve even requested to become cell mates.
On what many refer to as “the yard”, members of the Aryan Brotherhood play the Rolling 80’s Crips in a game of Scrabble for cigarettes. Madoff and Mattford hold hands and look on quietly, knowing that scamming someone at this prison may get them stabbed in the throat. They’ve instead opted to work in the prison kitchen for a few cents a day, making taxpayer bought goulash which Mattford says, “is a dish best served cold.”
Miles away, and only after a week after discovering that he had been duped, Mr. Greenberg was put to rest in his family’s tomb in Paris following his fatal heart attack. Margaret, now a widow, shed a single tear as she read his obituary aloud at his funeral. Sitting beside her and comforting her with a frail hand’s embrace was her new fiancé, retired, 87-year-old, former Lockheed vice president Cornwallis Plume. “I must admit that I first fell for Cornwallis because he’s so much like Grant, except better because he has a lot more money – erm, I mean gusto.”