UnNews:Woman bitten by hobo loses ten pounds of skin

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12 December 2006

No-Teeth

Stand back sonny, they bite.

HERNIA, Oregon -- What started as a walk in the park turned into a fight for survival for Lydia McFudder. On her day off, Lydia was walking to her local park when she was viciously attacked and bitten by a hobo authorities say. The woman was able to distract the hobo by using the time honored classic "Hey look, it's Dag Hammerschold!" giving her enough time to flee the area.

She went immediately home and thought nothing of the incident until she started running a fever, became achy, and had a strong craving for malt liquor. She went to the doctor immediately, stopping only on the way at McDonalds for a cheeseburger off the Dollar Value Menu.

At the hospital, the doctor informed her that she had Hoboitis, a disease spread through the saliva of the homeless. The doctor was forced to amputate much of her skin, leaving her with patches all over her body and giving her a generally scraggily appearance.

"That smelly bastard came at me like a shark!" Lydia commented.

Hoboitis is a common disease that causes rampant alcoholism and drug addictions in its victims. Those suffering from Hoboitis are known to constantly borrow money with no plans for repayment, perform sexual favors in return for crack, and suffer from poor hygiene. Doctors are able to easily treat the newly affected, however, by getting them a job. Unfortunately, longtime carriers of the disease usually must be put down.

When asked about hobos in the Oregon area, local Hobotologist Andy Hutchins had only this to say, "Hell yeah they bite. They bite like a mofo."

Local authorities have yet to find Lydia's attacker and are telling everyone to keep a watchful eye out at local train stations, subways, and alleys where hobos are more likely to be found. Hopes are low of ever finding the hobo that attacked Lydia because everyone in Oregon is legally homeless.

"It's like trying to find a turd in a septic tank. It's smelly, disgusting work and usually I vomit two or three times before the day is through," said Police Chief Tom Yancey on sifting through Oregon's population.

Lydia McFudder remains in the hospital but is expected to make a full recovery when she goes back to work.

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