UnNews:Woman accused of improperly packaging hacked-up husband

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1 November 2006

Meatface

Though McGuire did shrink-wrap her husband's head, as federal health codes mandate, investigators claim she failed to set a reasonable price on the sale sticker. "Twenty bucks?" Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns exclaimed at a press conference. "I can run down to Safeway and pick up a head right now for half that."

NEW BRUNSWICK, New Jersey -- New charges were filed yesterday against New Jersey resident Melanie McGuire, who in May 2004 killed her husband William, chopped his body parts into small pieces, packed them into a suitcase, and hurled them into Chesapeake Bay. The case, originally to be handled by the local district attorney, was handed over to federal authorities when the Food and Drug Administration alleged that McGuire had improperly handled her husband's meat after his expiration.

"This case represents an egregious breach of federal health codes," said United States Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns in a press conference today. "The preparation of Mr. McGuire's carcass was performed with total disregard for sanitary codes and without the oversight of FDA meat packing inspectors." A detailed report released jointly by the FDA and USDA details a list of all specific violations allegedly committed by McGuire. Among them are failure to wear proper hairnet and gloves during the slaughter and afterwards, performing the procedure outside a sterilized environment, and failure to properly administer a postmortem enema and cleanse the intestinal tract of feces before packing the body. Though semen was found on the man's posterior, Johanns said it was likely from "some hobo who found the washed-up suitcase" and "got off on a packaging code violations fetish. There are some real perverts out there."

During the course of the press conference, one of the reporters questioned, "Why don't investigators focus on more important aspects of the crime, like the murder itself?" Mr. Johanns replied, "I was just about to get into that. The actual killing is perhaps the most appalling part of this entire case. For one thing, the tool used was believed to be a common stainless-steel kitchen knife. FDA regulations require all separation of meat into cuts to be done with surgical-grade precision saws. Even if Mrs. McGuire had possessed such a device, she lacked a permit with which to legally use it."

McGuire's trial date has been reset for late December. If convicted, she could face up to a $3000 fine or be permanently barred from entering the meat packing industry. Despite these grim possibilities, a number of major fast-food chains have already contacted McGuire with executive-level job offers.

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