UnNews:Woman Overdoses on Hopium
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Woman Overdoses on Hopium
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 30, 2015, 20:59:UTC)(
14 October 2008
Watertown, New York -- A young woman died recently from huffing vast amounts of hopium to relieve her doubts about Obama's judgment. Mary Thompson, 22, overloaded her body after huffing ten gallons of hopium in under five hours. She had also been huffing at a similar rate for the previous two days when she heard about Obama's suspicious ties to domestic terrorist William Ayres.
She was taken to a hospital late last night after collapsing during the annual "Speed Walk for Aids" marathon.
Her mother, Alice initially thought she was drunk because she was staggering around and yelling, "Obomo ain't a goddum Musliuuim!" and shaking her arms in the air as if the sky was presidential nominee John McCain. She then pulled her pants down and mimicked John McCain's abused physical stature by lifting her arms half way in the air and screaming, "POW POW POW!" for several minutes.
However her symptoms were caused by an excess of hopium intake in the brain. Doctors tried to counter the hopium intake by having her sit in a dark room and watch Fox News for thirty minutes uninterrupted. The results proved negative. The doctors decided the only way to save Thompson now was to have her undergo intensive Sean Hannity treatment.
Unfortunately the next day she was discovered to be missing from her hospital bed. A large search party was set out for her.
Six days later, the body of Mary Thompson was found in an alley near an Obama rally in Scranton, Pennsylvania. She was wearing homeless clothes and had a cardboard sign with the words "Change Yes We Can" written in blood. It has been confirmed that it is not Mary Thompson's blood.