UnNews:Woman Glues Fingers to Nose
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Woman Glues Fingers to Nose
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 11:25:UTC)(
16 March 2012
Dumbshitville, Arkansas -- Miss Sally Cooper, 33, has glued the thumb and index finger of her left hand to her nose. She claims that she was trying to craft a toy boat for her 6 year old son to play with. Further investigation revealed that she was lying. She was actually trying to get high off the glue. The Arkansas State Police Department bought her toy boat story for a while, until they realized that she had no son.
The glue in question was a compound known as cyanoacrylate which is what both drunks and the deaf call Super Glue. The exact details are unknown, but we think that she tried to inhale the glue fumes and then put her fingers on her nose. She then called 911 and was told to hold on while they put her on hold. After 12 hours, the police sent a pickup truck. She told them that she glued her fingers to her nose and was rushed to the hospital.
The doctors say that they will have to pull her fingers off her face which will undoubtedly rip some skin. She will receive a minor skin transplant (due to a shortage of white skin, they will have to make do with black skin).
The police wanted to charge her with trying to get high with glue, but they smoked too much pot, got drunk and ended up locking themselves up in a single jail cell and one of them ate the key.
We interviewed Mrs. Cooper's husband about his wife's nose issue. All he had to say was the following: "The hell she doin' makin' boats and stickin' her nose with glue? She supposed to be cleanin' the house an' makin' me a goddamn sandwhich!" and then he proceeded to beat his wife and of course the obscenely high and drunk Arkansas State Police Department couldn't do anything about it (as they were locked up in a single jail cell).
Don't you just love Rednecks? Give them some glue and a woman and look what happens! Sigh.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|