UnNews:Woman Buys New Jersey for $73

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Woman Buys New Jersey for $73

A newsstand that's brimming with issues

UnNews Logo Potato
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 00:02:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

30 April 2012

AMESBURY, Mass. - After nearly 35 years of negotiations with state legislators and elected officials, a Massachusetts woman has purchased the State of New Jersey for a final amount of $73.00.

Alice Secondville, of Amesbury, received a letter Monday announcing that the New Jersey State Legislature agreed to accept her bid of $73 to purchase all land, facilities and other assets belonging the long-troubled state. Citing an outstanding utility bill, Governor Chris Christie commented favorably on the sale of the state:

"This should take care of that electric bill" he stated enthusiastically. "I mean, the lights in the state house have been off for, like, months now. We've been coming to work in the dark for so long it'll be interesting to see what this place looks like with the lights on." When asked where he would get the money to pay next month's bill, Christie walked away mumbling "I should have tried to be President...," before discovering that his 1992 Ford Fiesta would no longer start.

Secondville was also elated to hear the news. "My grandfather started trying to buy New Jersey in a fit of dementia back in 1977," she stated, "and my business tycoon father continued that dream during his excessive use of cocaine in the 80's". Knowing that her family's only other accomplishment was moving from New Jersey to Massachusetts, she decided to "fulfill my grandfather's most loudly shouted most desired wish" to honor the Secondville name.

When asked what she would do with the state, Secondville answered "I need a place to put my garbage and recycling cans. None of these high-society Massachusetts HOAs will let me leave them in my yard, and it's a real pain in the ass."

edit Sources

Personal tools