UnNews:Woman's giant penis explodes killing millions
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Woman's giant penis explodes killing millions
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 08:48:UTC)(
15 May 2007
BAGHDAD, Iraq - Early this morning a female suicide bomber attacked a crowded camel market with a strangly unique bomb, dubbed the 'large penis'.
"Our soldiers couldn't keep their eyes off that huge weird lump coming from her lower body area. It was so damn unnatural." said Sergent Joe King, "If only we had known before. We could have brought rainmacks with us." He later explained how the lump suddenly exploded and how much destruction it created as a white liquid napalm set buildings and stalls alike completely ablaze, and how civilians caught in the radius drowned in the tons of released yellow liquid. More civilians later died from injesting the material, thinking it was a marketing campaign for Mountain Dew.
Local Muhajedeen commander Alafhi Al-Quasar had previously spoken about the diverging trends within the Iraqi jihad movement, saying it will have to continue by any means necessary. "If it means attacking with explosive organs, then, God willing, may we have a plague of giblets."
As a result of the attack, security has been temporarily increased tenfold on US military bases across the middle regions of Diyala, Wasit and Baghdad. Though no casulties were taken amongst the US forces, the soldiers that were affected will be examined for all known STDs. It is believed that they were left relatively unharmed except for the remarkable stench. While other soldiers have the opportunity to volunteer for check ups just in case, all friendly foreigners in the area except members of the news media have been issued bars of emergency soap. Sources said reporters were not issued the soap because it was believed, in the words of Sergent King, "nothing will help."
More of these types of attacks are expected to continue through out the week. Surprisingly, an unofficial counter-measure has already emerged in the shape of a small child named Uday. "He may look funny, but he works" said Pfc Vincent Idaboy, "The attackers smell so bad, they give themselves away before they get close enough to do damage. He just runs around finding out who smells the worst; if they have a fishy smell, then we have enough information to act."
- Yahoo "Jihad continues as 'penis bomb' explodes in Kandahar". Yahoo, May 15, 2007