UnNews:Wisconsin governor introspective as thousands protest
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 February 2011
MADISON, Wisconsin -- Governor Scott Walker and fellow Republicans, who chose the most progressive city in America to try to break the back of public workers' unions, now face 80,000 people who have taken over the State Capitol and grounds. The Madison Movement protests, which are receiving Cairo-style publicity, have focused international attention on Republican plans to give America's unions the ultimate wedgie. "Just a while ago, Governor Walker was an up-and-coming Republican star who thought he'd be the one to finally accomplish the GOP wet-dream of crippling America's unions and its middle-class", according to the Republicans spokesperson-by-genetics, first-daughter Liz Cheney. "By picking Madison as the battleground for our ultimate agenda, he is now widely acknowledged in Republican circles as having his brains in his butt."
Madison's Hippie Sisterhood welcomes the peaceful '60s style-protests. "As in Cairo, where the protesters showed us how to rally-'round-the-square, the man is going to take it on the chin," says Sisterhood representative Suzy Wildflower, "We've waited for years for someone so clueless to take center stage, and now that Gov. Walker has done so, his party is quickly trying to hand him a unicycle and juggling balls and make him out to be a clown. I don't believe the brains up the butt theory, it's just too simple an explanation for his actions."
The Madison Movement protesters - union workers, students, teachers, co-opers, street people, doctors, pets, fireman, and anyone out for a stroll - are expected to storm the Capitol Building again today, tomorrow, over the weekend, and every day in the forseeable future. "Almost all of the people in the Midwest who would protest such an action live within, say, a two-mile radius of the Capitol Building," said astonished Republican presidential hopeful wikipedia:Newt Gingrich. "We've held the agenda of crumpling unions like a wad of paper ever since Reagan offed the air-traffic controllers in the early '80s, but we've kept it under the radar, so to speak. And now this chowderhead has not only spilled the beans, but spilled them all over every television camera and talking head in the nation. Jesus Christ on a polo stick!"
"What in God's name was he thinking," said GOP operative Karl Rove, "Madison, Wisconsin? The liberal hive itself? And Walker thought he could waltz into town and tear the unions a new one? I need a drink." Rove's colleague in the ranks of the GOP's finest thinkers, Minnesota Congressman Michele Bachmann, announced that even she was not inept enough to do what Walker has done. "The Governor has gone all in," she said, "and it looks like Madison's hippies held all the aces and will soon take the pot. Walkers chances of having any national influence in the Republican party after this have gone deep into where the sun don't shine."
"Yes, his brains are in his colon," said University of Wisconsin biologist Langdon Nottingham. "This was a close-kept secret among those of us who have seen the X-rays from the governor's annual physical, but it is now clear to everyone."
Governor Walker, holed up in his bed with the blankets drawn up over his head, was unavailable for comment. His spokesman, Monona Mendota, acknowledged that the Governor's brains are, indeed, up his butt, but said that up until now few have really noticed.
- Jeff Mayers "Thousands of Wisconsin union workers protest budget plan". Reuters, February 15, 2011