UnNews:Wisconsin's new adoption system earns praise
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Wisconsin's new adoption system earns praise
Where man always bites dog
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 05:56:UTC)(
26 October 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
ANTIGO, Wis. - Wisconsin introduced a new adoption system Wednesday designed to eliminate the complicated paperwork and long waits associated with other systems. The Vend-a-Kid® system places adoptable kids in easy-to-use orphan vending machines.
"We've really gotten a lot of positive feedback so far," said Michelle Torgelson, head of Wisconsin State Child Services Department. "People are really happy with the lower costs and high quality of the orphans."
Vend-a-Kid® selects only the healthiest, most attractive orphans from a variety of private and public sources, then places them in specially-designed vending machines situated in areas with the highest childless couple traffic. For as little as $1,025.00 (the machines take all major credit and debit cards), a potential parent uses a specially designed claw-arm to grab the child and drop them down a prize chute. The process, depending on the skill of the operator, can take as little as 60 seconds.
"It took me a couple of tries to get little Amy, here," said new parent, Wendy Lincoln, cuddling a cute little 4-year-old. "But compared to going through another adoption service, it was both fun and fast. It was a lot easier than going to China to get one of their worm-infested orphans."
Children range in age from 2 to 6 years old, when they get too big to fit down the chute. The vending machines are equipped with a water drinking tube, an automatic Kiddie Chow dispenser, and a screen floor, which makes it very easy to clean. The orphans sleep on a bed of colorful plush toys, which can also be won with the claw-arm.
"In tests, we estimated that we can move an average of 115 kids through the system a week," noted Torgelson. "Not counting product spoilage and shipping losses."
If successful, Wisconsin plans to market the system to other states. It also plans to secede from the U.S. along with Rhode Island, Alaska and Wikipedia to become the Second Confederacy of America, a nuclear power. to be reckoned with