UnNews:Winners for Oscars dress rehearsal announced

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14 February 2011

Bafta

This monstrous cyclops with a centre-parting is considered a suitable stand-in before artists get their real Oscar.

LONDON, England -- The dress rehearsal for the world's most prestigious film ceremony took place in London's Covent Garden last night, with some of the most famous celebrities and artists of modern cinema in attendance. Also known as The BAFTAs, the show is unique amongst rehearsals in that it gives out actual awards to the nominees. Obviously however, these trophies - shaped like a podgy one-eyed man's head - are not as coveted as genuine Academy Awards.

The major "winner" of the ceremony was Typical Overlong Melodrama about a Historical Figure and/or Disabled Person. The film was critically lauded for its unique approach in taking the two most popular Oscar-winning stories - the first being historical figures and the other being disabled people - and combining them. "There was no doubt that this film would win big," said BAFTA spokesperson Harold Mug. "It just checked all the boxes... well, both the boxes to be exact." It beat Christopher Nolan's latest two-and-a-half-hour long explosion and probably some glum Spanish film about crime that usually stars Javier Bardem. "I'm not disappointed about not winning," says Nolan. "This is just a practice; it doesn't count."

The film's producer, Rich Guy who Did Nothing, picked up the gong for best picture, and the director, Fresh-Out-of-Art-School Middle-Class White-Boy who we'll Probably Never Hear from Again, went home with best director. The actors involved in the film also got their fair share of nods, with Typically British Hugh Grant Replacement winning best actor for the second year in a row. Another favourite; Largely Unknown One-Note Character Actor got best supporting male, while best supporting non-male went to Aging, Once-Beautiful English Rose, who like all past winners played a well-known British monarch. Rose was widely praised by critics for clinging onto fame long after her talents and looks have faded. The director also named her "shag of the year", although this award is not officially recognised by the committee. Anymore. The film also probably got loads of those other awards nobody cares about, like best sound mixing, best technical thingy-thing, and best use of unheard-of cinematic technique to create barely noticeable effects. Nobody is too sure however because our attending film correspondent was at the bar trying to chat up naive wannabe journalists when these trophies were given out.

Oldoscar

Up-to-the-minute footage from the ceremony.

The best actress award, on the other hand, went to Young, Pretty and Skinny Girl for her "brave" performance in Customary Art Film about Eating Disorders/Schizophrenia/Ballet/All of the Above. Due to its incredibly limited release, not many of the judges had actually seen it, although one had managed to catch the trailer, and another had jerked off to the obligatory lesbian scene on YouTube. The others, however, had heard it was very good from word of mouth. Young, Pretty and Skinny Girl said she was delighted to have won. "Films like this need to win awards or nobody makes any money off them," she told our reporter. "And it deserved to, because it was a very good movie. Or so I've heard, I've not actually seen it because the only local theatre that played it was three storeys below ground level and smelt of piss. And that was the premiere."

In terms of writing, best original screenplay was awarded to the same bland epic that won all the other awards, whilst best screenplay ripped-off from somewhere else went to The Movie about Facebook that you didn't See but now Wish you had. It is not clear how these two awards differ from each other given that both movies are actually based on real events. And finally, the award for best film in a language other than English was won by The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo who Kicked a Hornet's Nest, Grabbed a Griffin by the Balls, Spat in Hitler's Face and whom Everyone Keeps Going on about like the Impressionable Tools they are.

Overall, the dress rehearsal has been described as a success. Next week, the real Oscars will follow, where all the same awards will be given out again in the exact same order, and equally as unsurprisingly as the first time around. The only difference is that it will take much, much longer due to the added pomp, commercial breaks, and of course, rambling acceptance speeches about God. Ratings are expected to be higher than ever.

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