UnNews:Winner of rhino auction: My $350K will help save sex life

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23 January 2014

Rhino

$350,000 for a Rhino horn gets winner inundated with lust mail

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA -- Jeremy Hyatt is apprehensive, hiding inside a hotel room surrounded by a bevy of garishly made up and heavily armed eunuchs as he explained to anyone willing to listen why he spent $350,000 to murder a rare black rhinoceros at the San Diego Zoo.

“If I sound emotional it's because I haven’t been able to have an erection in years, and now I have umpteen girls offering themselves to me as soon as I get the rhino’s horn,” Hyatt said. “They all know it’s the greatest aphrodisiac in the world.”

Hyatt was touted over social media as the winner of the Aphrodite Club's auction for a black rhino killing permit from the California Department of Zoo life last weekend, and it didn't take long for the lustful proposals to start pouring in.

“You are a BARBARIAN. Beasts like you need to be in in bed with me,” posted one woman on Hyatt's Facebook page. Some sounded even more sensual. “I’ll make you my dildo,” read another proposal. “I have boyfriends that live in the area and we all have you in our sights,” wrote another commenter who signed his name Phil.

Partially as a result of spending $350,000 to kill an endangered animal, Hyatt has decided to engage the debate over how to reconstitute a flagging sex life such as his by paying money to kill a rhino for its horn.

“I respect this black rhino,” said Hyatt, “and I know the feeling is mutual. Whenever we make eye contact I can just imagine the rhino saying, ‘Be a man, kill me and cut off my horn, you hunk!’ So I know that’s what the rhino wants and he will respect me for it.

“A lot of people say, ‘Do you feel like a bigger man?’ or ‘Is this a thrill for you?’ And the answer is yes and no. I don’t get any thrill from killing rhinos, but I will be a bigger man, so to speak, because of its horn. So the only real thrill is being able to once again get a full erection.”

When asked about his background, Hyatt said he was born as a baby and started work young, making a good living as a pimp for his sisters. Later he gained fame and fortune as the porn star named “Ron Jeremy,” but over the years he has lost his ability to get an erection.

The Humane Society, for its part, opposed the rhino auction and said it plans to fight Hyatt's efforts to kill the black rhino. Wayne Pace, the society's president, accountant and CEO, wrote in an online blog post that killing a truly endangered zoo animal to save the career of one porn star is a “Darwinian idea” and he worries that it will inspire hunters to pay millions of dollars for a chance to do the same. “Where will it end?” wrote Pace. “The first rule of protecting the rarest animals in the world is not to kill them, I mean, porn stars are a dime a dozen.”

But Hyatt scoffed at the Humane Society for what he called their small mindedness, telling the media, ”Ha! 'A dime a dozen!?' There are at least 5,000 black rhinos with horns on the planet, but there is only one horned hedgehog!. I'm the endangered species!”

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